Feb. 25, 2009
"Nation, last night, once again, the political stage was set on fire by a brilliant orator, a man whose charisma even I have to admit can only be rivaled by a giant Brad Pitt made out of puppies. I'm speaking of, of course, of Bobby Jindal." --Stephen Colbert
"Now, it's clear the Republican party has a new rock star -- in that Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Jindal going after the $140 million set aside for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education." --Stephen Colbert
"Of course, seismology wasn't the only boondoggle Jindal went after [on screen: Jindal talking about the $8 billion to be set aside for a high-speed rail project between Las Vegas and Disneyland]. A magnetic levitation train from Vegas to Disneyland? Actually, that sounds pretty cool. You leave the kids with Cinderella, two hours later you're blowing their college fund on Pai Gow poker, getting bottle service from a 'hostess,' also dressed like Cinderella." --Stephen Colbert
"I say Jindal's speech was a homerun. Jimmy, let's look at the rest of the highlights. Oh, there are none? Okay. All right, well, then, folks, I guess I am forced to talk about the Democratic pre-sponse. No, I didn't hear any of it. I mute all of Obama's speeches, because I like to hear myself yell." --Stephen Colbert
"Let's begin with the big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. His first speech to Congress is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice, because this is one year you probably do not want to complete the sentence, 'The state of the union is...'" --Jon Stewart
"Although Obama was greeted warmly, the night's speech was no small task. Obama's challenge would be to convey to the American public the sobering realities of our current situation, while maintaining an optimistic tone for the future, all while desperately, desperately, desperately trying not to turn around for a quick game of wack-a-mole [on screen: video clips of Speaker Nancy Pelosi continuously jumping up to clap during Obama's speech]. Interesting fact about Nancy Pelosi: she is one-eighth gopher, on her father's side." --Jon Stewart
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