The Tonight Show Jay Leno Political Jokes

A family values conservative Republican from Indiana, Mark Souder, has admitted to having an affair with a woman on his staff. Apparently Souder would take this woman to remote locations inside state parks and have sex with her. See, this is what Republicans mean when they talk about opening up our public lands for drilling." –Jay Leno

"Lakers Coach Phil Jackson is coming under fire for some comments he made in support of Arizona's immigration law. He's a basketball coach. He can take a tough stand on immigration. Try doing that with a baseball team. There wouldn't be anybody left." –Jay Leno

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer." –Jay Leno

"In Supreme Court news, the Elena Kagan confirmation hearings will begin around June 28. I guess they have to wait until softball season's over." –Jay Leno

"And in Connecticut, Attorney General Dick Blumenthal's campaign is now saying there are only four times that Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. That's what politics has come down to now, when your campaign slogan is, 'I only lied four times.'" –Jay Leno

"Blumenthal said he is not apologizing for misleading people about his war record. He said all he did was use the word 'in' instead of the word 'during.' He insists he just 'misspoke.' You know, like using the word 'misspoke' instead of the word 'lying.'" –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter

Jay Leno's Return To The Tonight Show

"It's good to be home. I'm Jay Leno, your host. At least, for a while." –Jay Leno, on returning to "The Tonight Show"

"I've got to admit that I'm a little nervous -- not because it's my first night back (but) because I know that Dave and Oprah are watching." –Jay Leno

"We were off for the last couple of weeks. Kind of like the Russians at the Olympics. What happened to them?" –Jay Leno

"We have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn on the show tonight. When it comes to going downhill, nobody is faster. OK, except NBC." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you may have heard, former Vice President Dick Cheney is doing fine after suffering his fifth heart attack. He is like the Apolo Ohno of heart attacks." –Jay Leno

"Well, the good news is, the former vice president is doing fine, and his doctors said that sneer will be back on his face in no time." –Jay Leno

"President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer." –Jay Leno

"Keanu Reeves will star in 'Speed 3.' The first 'Speed' was about a runaway bus, the second was about a boat, and the third one is going to be about a Toyota." –Jay Leno

"I tell you, though. People still have faith in Toyota, even with these massive recalls. The Toyota Prius has retained its title as Consumer Reports' top pick for eco-friendly vehicle. They said it's a great way to get in touch with the environment, especially when it flies out of control and hits the trees." –Jay Leno

"Gatorade has officially ended their relationship with Tiger Woods. He was seeing at least five other sports drinks." –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter

Conan Jokes from The Tonight Show 1/21/10

I'm Conan O'Brien, future Donkey Kong champion." –Conan O'Brien

"Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp." –Conan O'Brien

"As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I'd like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Baracl Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley." –Conan O'Brien

"I thought about something today. Over the years I've made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here's the messed up thing, they all still have shows." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the 'Tonight Show.' The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about: I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30. I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on. I'm not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself. The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher. Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women's locker room at the NBC gym. Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings. Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter's medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels. Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock.'" –Conan O'Brien
Follow On Twitter----Odd Daily News

A Political Roast With Jay Leno Political Jokes

"Welcome to 'The Tonight Show.' You sound happier than Barack Obama when he found out Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton both paid their taxes." --Jay Leno

"I think Barack Obama is a genius. I think this is part of the plan. Do you ever notice when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time, until they pay off the deficit." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'" --Jay Leno

"Wasn't it just a couple months ago, these people were making fun of Joe the Plumber for not paying his taxes?" --Jay Leno

"Daschle says that his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Well, of course they were unintentional. He never intended to get caught." --Jay Leno

"I guess the Democrats think IRS means, 'I'm really sorry.'" --Jay Leno

"And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?' Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's not in love, he just needs the deductions. 'Please marry me, please!'" --Jay Leno

"The White House issued a statement today saying that the reason their nominees are having such trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what's wrong with politics in this country. That's what the government considers setting the bar high, having to pay taxes like everybody else in America." --Jay Leno

"And today, President Obama announced a salary cap of $500,000 for executives at banks and companies that have received taxpayer bailout money. And you know — it is good. But I'll tell you something, you can tell a lot of these CEOs don't get it. They said, 'Well, that's $500,000 a month, right?'" --Jay Leno

"And Wells Fargo, who got almost $25 billion in bailout money, has canceled a pricey 12-day corporate trip to Las Vegas. And I think they learned their lesson, because they really scaled things back. They're not doing Vegas anymore. Now, it's a one-day pie eating contest in Laughlin." --Jay Leno

"And Citigroup, who received a huge bailout from the government, owns the naming rights to the New York Mets' new stadium. It is currently called Citi Field, but because of Barack Obama's crackdown on the Federal bailout money, Citigroup will legally have to change the name of the stadium to Money Grubbing Bastards Field." --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently said that every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, '500 million Americans lose their jobs.' I think the Botox is starting to seep into her brain." --Jay Leno

"And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com." --Jay Leno

The new US energy secretary predicts agriculture in California will disappear in this century because of global warming. He said people in California will no longer grow crops, except those who are growing them in their basements, attics, and garages." --Jay Leno
Share It, Post It, Email it!

Funny Songs----Funny Pics---Hot Lingerie Football Pics----Advertise Here and 25 Other Sites!

Barack Obama on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Barack Obama on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Little Did Jay Leno know he was interveiwing the next President of the United States! Read More to Watch Video!


Barack Obama on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Barack Obama appears on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. October 17, 2007




Share It, Post It, Email it!