Some of the Best Political Cartoons of 2010

Conan Jokes from The Tonight Show 1/21/10

I'm Conan O'Brien, future Donkey Kong champion." –Conan O'Brien

"Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp." –Conan O'Brien

"As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I'd like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Baracl Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley." –Conan O'Brien

"I thought about something today. Over the years I've made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here's the messed up thing, they all still have shows." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the 'Tonight Show.' The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about: I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30. I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on. I'm not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself. The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher. Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women's locker room at the NBC gym. Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings. Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter's medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels. Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock.'" –Conan O'Brien
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Political Jokes From Conan

"President Obama's daughter Sasha says that she already bought her dad's gift. She won't say what it is but she did say, 'It's something he likes.' Which begs the question: How did an 8-year-old get her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights?" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.'" ?" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The weird thing is, 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a recent report, due to the recession, Americans are eating cheap, unhealthy, fatty foods. So apparently, the recession started in 1957." ?" –Conan O'Brien
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Political Jokes Conan 11:04:09

"Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That's right. Yeah, and I don't know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'" –Conan O'Brien

Latest Conan Political Jokes

"Because of the bad economy, did you hear this? A lot of Americans are planning to save money by wearing the same costume they wore last year. Yeah. So, if you see me tomorrow night, that's why I'm dressed as a lady astronaut in a diaper. Brings back memories, doesn't it, huh?" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has made a stunning announcement. President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, apparently he's promised them 72 virgins and full dental coverage." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, President Obama admitted that he has had 'bumps in his marriage.' Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Bumps? I would kill for bumps!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some bad news for Sarah Palin. I don't know if you heard this, according to a recent survey when asked, 7 out of 10 people said Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president. 7 out of 10. Yeah. Even worse, the question was, 'Are you happy with your long-distance service?'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a really weird story, political experts say that when former President Clinton traveled to North Korea recently, he may have met with an actor playing Kim Jong-Il, instead of the real guy. It's true. On the bright side, at least now we know what happened to Margaret Cho." --Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear this? President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, in a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban." –Conan O'Brien

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush is busy. That's right. He's going to India tomorrow to give a speech. Yep. The speech will be entitled, 'Hey, which of you snake charmers is going to fix my computer?'" –Conan O'Brien

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Funny Political Jokes From Conan 10:14:09

"Last night, the White House hosted a tribute to Latin music. President Obama wiggled his hips a little on the dance floor at which point a committee in Sweden immediately awarded him a Latin Grammy." --Conan O'Brien

"Some of the celebrities at the White House Latin music event included Gloria Estefan, George Lopez, Eva Longoria, and Jose Feliciano. Apparently it was much more fun than last year's party, which was just President Bush and Dora the Explorer." --Conan O'Brien

"A top adviser to President Obama says that the most important interactions the President has with Joe Biden happen when no one else is around. Obama says that the best interactions with Biden happen when Biden isn't around." --Conan O'Brien

"NASA recently announced they have a photograph from the Hubble Telescope that shows two galaxies colliding. Then they took a closer look and said, 'Wait a second. Those galaxies aren't colliding. They're doing it.'" --Conan O'Brien
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Conan Political Jokes

"President Obama's national security adviser just said that Obama is going to overturn the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' As a result, the signal for an enemy attack will change from 'incoming' to 'what's her problem?'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic -- as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly." --Conan O'Brien

"The other day at a political fundraiser, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi got to meet actor Robert Redford. And witnesses say she was flirting with him. There was an awkward moment when Pelosi winked at Redford and $4,000 worth of Botox squirted out." --Conan O'Brien

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Political Jokes by Conan 9:30:09

"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien

"I've got a really strange story in the news about Al Qaeda. According to intelligence reports - I'm not making this up - the new standard procedure for Al Qaeda hiding explosives inside their rectum. Either that or they're playing a cruel practical joke on Ahmed. 'Are you sure everyone's doing this?' 'Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin just finished writing her memoirs. And her publisher says -- this is a quote -- 'It's her words, her life and it's all there in full and fascinating detail.' Yeah, then he said, 'Or so I'm told. I wouldn't read this thing if you put a gun in my mouth.'" --Conan O'Brien

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Political Jokes By Conan about Kanye West , Obama and Healthcare

"According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind." --Conan O'Brien

"He's going to get healthcare passed on that slogan alone. 'I'll vote for it. He is a jackass!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in New York, President Obama had lunch with former President Clinton. Afterwards, Clinton told Obama, 'Remember, if Hillary asks, we had lunch and dinner, then I slept over at your place.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know, President Obama is pushing so hard for healthcare, he's going to appear on an unprecedented five shows this Sunday. What's strange is, two of them are 'Entourage' and 'Family Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A new book that's coming out about former President George W. Bush said that Bush once called Barack Obama 'a cat' with 'no clue.' Of course that was back when Bush's speeches were written by jazz legend Wynton Marsalis." --Conan O'Brien

"A group of musicians that includes Khalil Fong, the Scorpions, and Youssou N'Dour are recording a song in an effort to raise awareness of global warming. First, they have to raise awareness about who those musicians are." --Conan O'Brien
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Conan Political Jokes on Health Care and Clinton

"Remember the two Asian-American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton. Well, they have finally written about their ordeal. The two of them said they were frightened, mistreated, and violated, and then someone told Clinton to leave them alone." --Conan O'Brien

"The healthcare debate is getting crazily intense. Yesterday during a healthcare protest, a fight broke out and a man got his finger bitten off. That's true. No one knows who started, but there's been an awful lot of stub pointing." --Conan O'Brien
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Late Night Political Jokes From Conan,Craig Ferguson,Jimmy Fallon

"Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama's hair has gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office. Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a white hair being brought together by Obama last year." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica, and Antarctica." --Conan O'Brien

"In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, 'They're going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson

"Big announcement at NBC. George Bush's daughter, Jenna, was just hired as a correspondent on the 'Today' show. The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober." --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin announced that she will make her first trip to Asia in September, where she'll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. Palin says she's thrilled because Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite places." --Jimmy Fallon
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Funny Political-Conan Gets Shout-Out from Obama on Tonight Show

President Obama surprised The Tonight Show audience with a special message declaring that Conan O'Brien will do an "outstanding job" as the show's new host.

Conan aired a clip from NBC's "Inside the White House" special, in which Brian Williams asked if Obama had almost canceled his overseas trip this week to stay and watch Conan's debut as host of The Tonight Show.

A deadpan Obama replied, "This is something we discussed several times in the Oval Office, how to manage this transition between Leno and Conan. And I think he's up to the task. But I just want him to know that there is not going to any bailout coming out from Washington if he screws it up."




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Political Roast| Late Jokes Conan and Kimmel

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession. He described the economy as 'very sick.' That's what he said. Yeah. Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem, but still the smartest thing they've heard a president say in eight years." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien

"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family made the move from Chicago to Washington, D.C., over the weekend, so their daughters, Malia and Sasha, could start school with the other kids coming back from break. They're enrolled in the Sidwell Friends School, which is a very exclusive private school. Chelsea Clinton went there, and to give you an idea of how exclusive it is, someone got ahold of the school lunch menu. Now this for real. One day menu's, local pumpkin and sage soup, salad du jour, Caesar salad, chopped salad, spaghetti and meatballs, roasted butternut squash [on screen: a copy of the menu]. Disgusting, really disgusting stuff. No one would feed to that kind of garbage to their children. And while that might seem like a bit much for a bunch of 6-, 7- and 8-year old kids, I was actually looking through their wine list this morning and it's very reasonably priced. What would you recommend with Funyons, a Chablis?" --Jimmy Kimmel

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