David Letterman Political Jokes and Toyota Joke

"A couple of days ago, there was the annual race, people come from all over the world, and they race up the stairs of the Empire State Building. Wait a minute. You want to get your heart racing, you really want to get it pump pumping? Do what I do. Drive to work in a Toyota." –David Letterman

"You know about this big Toyota recall? And things are dangerous, and I'm coming to work in my car. Here's how scary it is. The navigation lady was actually praying." –David Letterman

"You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." –David Letterman

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. And you know what he is doing? This guy is shrewd, very savvy politically. He has invited a bunch of senators to come to the White House for the Super Bowl party. What could be more fun than watching a four-hour football game with Joe Lieberman? There you go. Talk about rock 'n' roll." –David Letterman

"There's a new Osama bin Laden video. Gosh, I mean, this guy, what is he doing, working at Blockbuster?" –David Letterman

"There is always a new Osama bin Laden video. And in this one, he's worried about global warming. And he's blaming the United States for global warming. And I just thought to myself, wait a minute, this guy thinks it's warm now, wait till he gets to hell." –David Letterman

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Military bases worldwide to offer morning-after pill

WASHINGTON - The Pentagon for the first time will require military bases worldwide to offer emergency contraception or the so-called morning-after pill, a military spokeswoman said Thursday. The panel determined that emergency contraception should be added to the military’s list of medications that must be stocked at each military facility....More...Follow On Twitter----Odd Daily News

Jay Leno Toyota and Political Jokes

"Have you heard the new slogan? 'Toyota, just try and stop us.'" –Jay Leno

"Toyota recalling 2.3 million cars because of two problems — unintended acceleration and possible brake problems. Things are not looking good for Toyota. In fact, today, two crash test dummies refused to get in the car." –Jay Leno

"And just two weeks before he is scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting your money, go to Washington." –Jay Leno

"Here's something pretty unbelievable. The only living World War I veteran, a man named Frank Buckles, just turned 109 years old. What's even more amazing, he just finished his fourth tour in Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"And a number of high-ranking officials in the military have come forward to say they feel gays should be allowed to serve in the armed forces. I think gay people should be allowed to serve. I mean, think about it. What are we defending here in America? Lady Gaga, 'Dancing with the Stars,' 'American Idol,' the TV show 'Glee.' Hello, look around, people." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Gov. Mark Sanford — you know the guy who snuck off to Argentina to see his mistress? You know this moron, this idiot? Well, now the wife says in the book, when they got married, Mark Sanford insisted on taking the part about being faithful out of the wedding vows. Now, I'm no marriage counselor, but ladies, isn't that a red flag?" –Jay Leno

"And then when he went on the honeymoon with someone else, that should have told her!" –Jay Leno

"And in Japan, they've developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. You know, kind of what Wall Street did with the dollar. It's the same thing." –Jay Leno

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Jimmy Kimmel Political Jokes

"President Obama is getting more angry criticism today. Boy, this guy can't get a break. Apparently, though, he told a group of high school kids in New Hampshire, and I quote: 'When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don't blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize.' And needless to say, people in Vegas are extremely upset. In fact, the mayor of Las Vegas said the president is not welcome in Las Vegas. I happen to agree with the mayor. How dare the President tell high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas. We're in a recession right now. What about Siegfried? What about Roy? What about their tigers? The tigers cannot survive on eating magicians alone. They need money." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not." –Jimmy Kimmel
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January unemployment rate drops to 9.7 percent

WASHINGTON (AP) -- The unemployment rate dropped unexpectedly in January to 9.7 percent from 10 percent while employers shed 20,000 jobs, the government said Friday.

The rate dropped because a survey of households found the number of employed Americans rose by 541,000, the Labor Department said. The job losses are calculated from a separate survey of employers.

The report also included an annual revision to the estimates of total payrolls, which showed there were 930,000 fewer jobs last March than previously estimated. The department also revised down its estimates for April through October of last year, adding another 433,000 job losses.

The November figure was revised higher, however, to show a gain of 64,000 jobs.

All told, the Great Recession has eliminated 8.4 million jobs, the department said. That's the most of any recession since World War II as a proportion of total payrolls....More
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Jimmy Fallon Political Jokes

"During a town hall meeting in New Hampshire yesterday, President Obama said that using stimulus money to help schools is not sexy, but it's making a difference. Oddly enough, that's the same way he describes Nancy Pelosi." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the town hall event, President Obama also said jobs will be our No. 1 focus in 2010. He then added, 'Specifically, mine and Biden's jobs.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Obama also had some economic advice for the American people. He told them not to blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. Though to be fair, most recent college graduates would probably have more luck in Vegas, I think." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president is really trying to bring people together. He told Senate Democrats that politics can't be just about scoring points. Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting more angry criticism today. Boy, this guy can't get a break. Apparently, though, he told a group of high school kids in New Hampshire, and I quote: 'When times are tough, you tighten your belts. You don't go buying a boat when you can barely pay your mortgage. You don't blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you're trying to save for college. You prioritize.' And needless to say, people in Vegas are extremely upset. In fact, the mayor of Las Vegas said the president is not welcome in Las Vegas. I happen to agree with the mayor. How dare the President tell high school kids not to blow their college money in Las Vegas. We're in a recession right now. What about Siegfried? What about Roy? What about their tigers? The tigers cannot survive on eating magicians alone. They need money." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' could be a thing of the past, very soon. The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Michael Mullen, says he believes gays should serve in the military, all gays, whether they want to or not." –Jimmy Kimmel
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The $3 Trillion 401(k) Rip-Off

More than $3 trillion is invested in 401(k) plans. While Congress dithers, participants in these plans continue to get ripped off.

It's a very slick con. Here's how it works:

401(k) plans are supposed to be set up and run solely in the best interest of the plan participants. It is for this reason that ERISA, the law that governs these plans, requires the plan sponsor -- who is usually the employer -- to be a "fiduciary." This means that the plan sponsor has legal liability if the plan does not meet the high standard of loyalty to those who contribute their hard earned wages into the plan.....More..Follow On Twitter----Odd Daily News

Scott Brown to be sworn into Senate on Thursday - TheHill.co

Senator-Elect Scott Brown, the successor to the late-Sen. Ted Kennedy, will be sworn in to office Thursday afternoon, giving Republicans 41 seats in the upper chamber. Brown's entry into the Senate formally marks the end of the Democrats filibuster-proof Senate majority. Senator-Elect Scott Brown, the successor to the late-Sen---...More...Follow On Twitter----Odd Daily News

My Opponent Is Dr. Frankenstein!

New Orleans, Louisiana - There is an astonishing political ad in the upcoming New Orleans elections. The ad from Dwight McKenna, a candidate for Orleans Parish Coroner, attacks the incumbent coroner, Frank Minyard, as a Dr. Frankenstein who sells body parts ? complete with an assistant Igor, from out of the old Universal Studios movies! ---...More

Social Workers on Trial After Girl?s Starvation Death

PHILADELPHIA - Four Philadelphia social workers charged with fraud in a case linked to the starvation death of a disabled teenager defended their work as their trial opened Wednesday. Federal prosecutors charge that they huddled in the hours after Kelly?s death and created documents to purport they had made the required twice-weekly visits to the Kelly home and others.---...More

Jay Leno Political Jokes

"The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city." –Jay Leno

"And of course, the terrorists — the terrorists, they want it in Manhattan. A jury of their peers? Sure, a bunch of New York cab drivers. They'd get off like that." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can't even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan? Is that where they're coming from? Where do you — we can't even play them. We don't have machines that old." –Jay Leno

"Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players." –Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Goldman Sachs's CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, is getting a $100 million bonus. Goldman Sachs denied it, saying, 'Well, no figure has been decided on yet.' You know what that means? He's getting more. Exactly." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems John Edwards's mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she's worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates. Well, apparently, I'm way out of line. But I don't care because this show has been canceled." –Jay Leno

"I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That's all he is." –Jay Leno

"And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jay Leno

"And the state controller warned today that California could be broke by April. I think that's great news. I thought we were already broke, didn't you? We got two months worth of money left. Let's party!" –Jay Leno
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David Letterman Political Jokes 2/1/10

"President Obama got out of jury duty. No word yet about getting us out of Afghanistan." –David Letterman

"And here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years." –David Letterman

"Remember when they hanged Saddam Hussein? Well, you remember his buddy, Chemical Ali. Well, he got hanged over the weekend. And his wife was Chemical Shirley. Do you remember Chemical Shirley? I was just wondering is it too soon to hit on Chemical Shirley?" –David Letterman

"He is the one that killed all the Kurds, Chemical Ali. He shouldn't be confused with the guy who killed NBC. That was Chemical Zucker." –David Letterman
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Jon Stewart-Rips Fox News For Cutting Off Obama's GOP Q&A (VIDEO)

President Obama's Q&A with House Republicans on Friday was "somewhat unprecedented in our pre-staged, kabuki political culture," noted Jon Stewart during Monday's Daily Show.

With all that rare political theater, you'd think the nation's news networks would air the entire event. CNN did. MSNBC did (and then some, as Stewart suggested).

As for Fox News?

"They carried it live. For awhile," said Stewart -- before hammering the network.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
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Gates to announce review of military gay ban (AP)

AP - Defense Secretary Robert Gates is tapping two seasoned Pentagon officials to lead the military's first in-depth study on allowing openly gay service members, promising to try to spare more troops from being dismissed in the meantime.
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