Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Mitt Romney

"There's another Republican presidential debate tonight. This one is focused on why there were so many Republican presidential debates." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney said he created thousands of jobs at governor of Massachusetts. Rick Perry said he created thousands as governor of Texas. Herman Cain said he tried to create a number of jobs for women but now he's getting attacked for it all of a sudden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were Mitt Romney, I wouldn't show up anymore. I would just go to Hawaii and wait it out until the election, drink some caffeine free Diet Coke and watch Herman Cain and Rick Perry self-destruct." –Jimmy Kimmel

Funny Political Jokes Jimmy Kimmel Rips on Herman Cain

"More than 700 protestors were arrested over the weekend for blocking traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. They say the best way to fight corporate greed is to make random people sit in traffic while they're trying to visit their aunt in Brooklyn." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Michelle Bachmann

"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about John Boehner

"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel on Weinergate

"After searching online for eight minutes for pictures of a congressman's penis you have to start questioning yourself. And now we find out Weiner's wife is pregnant. The only thing that could make this right is if it turns out she got pregnant by Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a heat wave over half of the country. It got so hot in New York, a congressman took off his pants and tweeted a picture of himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Many of Anthony Weiner's Democratic colleagues are calling for him to resign to preserve his dignity, but that ship sailed a long time ago." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Every time a new woman comes forward, I imagine Tiger Woods sitting in the back room of a Hooters somewhere laughing his ass off.” –Jimmy Kimmel on Weinergate

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Osama

"I'm in a very good mood -- did you hear what happened last night? What an episode of 'Khloe and Lamar.'"

"I think this was the first Twitter death rumor that turned out to be true."

"The name on the mailbox was a red flag [picture of mailbox]. It said Al Q. Aeda."

Jimmy Kimmel Political Jokes about Obama and Trump

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President Obama finally showed his birth certificate and it turns out he was born in Hawaii, of all places." –Jimmy Kimmel

“These people could have personally witnessed him being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem – and they’d still think he was a Kenyan Muslim." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Next up, we ought to say we don’t believe he’s a man and refuse to let it go until he releases his penis.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." –Jimmy Kimmel

“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called 'I Need Money' by Levi Johnston.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Political jokes from Jimmy Kimmel about Donald Trump

"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks.' Well, not anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump accused George Stephanopoulos of being co-opted by Obama's minions. Anyone who knows Stephanopoulos knows he's minion-proof – and lactose intolerant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Charlie Sheen

"

created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Charlie's two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Mark Zuckerberg and Farmville

“President Obama was in San Francisco today, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The President hopes that, based on the success of programs like Farmville, a million new imaginary jobs can be created by the year 2012." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Obama being a foreigner

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother. That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate." —Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel rips of Dems,Rep, and the State of the Union

"Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of the union, you take a drink. It helps." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother. That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama's focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He's promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama wants to freeze government spending for the next five years and then in year six have a huge party and blow all of it." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Republicans, wall street and Nancy Pelosi

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Republicans took control of the House for the first time in four years. They say they're going to stick to a strict interpretation of the Constitution. I hope you didn't like voting, women and non-whites." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're also hoping to cut back on government regulation on Wall Street. I think we can all agree that Wall Street does a good job policing itself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House." –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel TSA Joke and Michelle Obama

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" —Jimmy Kimmel

FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" —Jimmy Fallon

Political Jokes Jimmy Kimmel on Michelle Obama and Palin

"You wouldn't know it in Los Angeles, but it's freezing in much of the country, with temperatures in the 20s in parts of Florida. I don't know how she did it, but the whole country has turned into 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel Jokes on Bristol Palin and President Clinton

"A guy was so upset with Bristol Palin on 'Dancing With the Stars' that he shot his TV set with a shotgun. You would think a guy with a shotgun tucked between his couch cushions would be a Palin supporter." —Jimmy Kimmel

"President Clinton is in Thailand and he just shot a cameo in the new movie the 'Hangover 2.' He was in Thailand giving a speech. He stopped by the set. You see that, he's not a letch. Turns out all these years he's just been preparing for a role. He's a method actor. Thailand movie set, bachelor party, what could possibly go wrong? Hillary must be delighted. 'You did what in Thailand?'" —Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel Jokes about Bristol Palin

One of Obama's childhood friends said he was chubby and ran like a duck. I think that proves he's not Kenyan. That's as American as it gets." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin has made it to the semi-finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.' I'm not saying she's going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for it's going all the way." —Jimmy Fallon

"What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the 'with the.' I wouldn't have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not." —Jimmy Kimmel

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Jimmy Kimmel Jokes about Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O'Donnell. Nobody knows what Christine O'Donnell does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." —Jimmy Kimmel

"When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's." —Jimmy Kimmel

"We need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you'll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." —Jimmy Kimmel

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Jimmy Kimmel Political Jokes Christine O'Donnell

"When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's." —Jimmy Kimmel

"We need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you'll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." —Jimmy Kimmel
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Jimmy Kimmel Tea Party and Political Jokes

"Well-known, veteran politicians were upended by candidates from the Tea Party. It was especially shocking because I've been to a lot of tea parties with my daughter and most of the people there are stuffed animals." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Former New York Congressman Rick Lazio was beaten by an unknown businessman named Carl Paladino, whose achievements include comparing a Jewish assembly speaker to Hitler unfavorably, endorsing a plan to turn prisons into dorms to teach welfare recipients about hygiene, and he's also known for forwarding racist joke emails and videos of a woman having sex with a horse to his friends. Like Lincoln never emailed his friends a video of a woman having sex with a horse!" –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O’Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

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