"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Late Show.' My name is Dave, or as the governor of South Carolina would say, gracias!" --David Letterman
"Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him." --David Letterman
"This Ahmadinejad guy, during all those protests, keeping a very low profile in Iran. His staff said he was hiking." --David Letterman
"President Obama was so upset about the Iranian crackdown that he told the Iranian diplomats that they would not be invited to the Fourth of July party. And I said, well, by God, that will teach them right there." --David Letterman
"And it's a darn shame because Ahmadinejad makes wonderful potato salad." --David Letterman
"Anybody here from South Carolina? You're here but you don't want to admit it." --David Letterman
"Well, it's the latest political scandal. Mr. And Mrs. Sanford, you know, the Jon and Kate of politics." --David Letterman
"Turned out the governor disappears, for like, the weekend. Finally, his staff said, 'Don't worry about the Governor, he is on the Appalachian Trail hiking.' But it turns out he was in South America. And it turned out he was down there because he was with a woman from Argentina. Seeing a woman from Argentina named Maria. And I was thinking Judge Sotomayor was apparently wrong because Latina woman don't necessarily have better judgment than white men." --David Letterman
"What if there is trouble and you can't find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn't it? And I'm thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading." --David Letterman
"It's a disaster for everybody down there in South Carolina. Although I have to say, yesterday, it was nice to see somebody else apologize on TV." --David Letterman
"But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it's just not with his wife." --David Letterman
"Let's run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra." --David Letterman
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