Jimmy Kimmel Political Jokes

"A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he's no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, 'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" –Jimmy Kimmel ---

"Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces." –Jimmy Kimmel

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble, and we need that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congratulations, I want to say, to former President Bill and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Their daughter, Chelsea, got engaged over the weekend. You know when you have to decide whether or not to invite the bride's father to the bachelor party? That's going to be a tough call." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Chelsea will marry her longtime boyfriend, investment banker Marc Mezvinsky. She must really love him, because Chelsea Mezvinsky doesn't exactly roll off the tongue." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president and first lady are getting criticism from the right today. I know, who could have seen this coming? But they're getting criticism because they sent out the White House holiday card, and it says, 'Season's Greetings' on it, makes no mention of Christmas, and doesn't have a passage from the Bible in it like the ones the Bushes used to send out. But actually, it does keep one beloved George Bush holiday card tradition alive, and that is the funny sound effect when you open the card. It wouldn't be Christmas without that." –Jimmy Kimmel-----

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