"Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Today, Congress held more hearings with the executives of Toyota. Akio Toyoda, the president of the company and great-grandson of the company founder, came in from Japan to testify. This is a big deal, because this guy is a notoriously private person. He rarely checks his Facebook account. He's very private." –Jimmy Kimmel
"He came to apologize, and I think he even offered to kill himself with a sword." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel
"More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more." –Jimmy Kimmel
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