"It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time." –Craig Ferguson
"About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done." –Craig Ferguson
"There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell." –Craig Ferguson
"I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick." –Craig FergusonFollow On Twitter
