"I guess Sarah Palin is back in Alaska, where she pardoned some turkeys for Thanksgiving. So she pardons them and then right behind her, someone kills some turkeys, and it was gruesome. I honestly haven't seen a slaughter like that since November 4." --David Letterman
"I heard today that the federal government was raising, like, $40 billion to bail out Citigroup. Honestly, when you think about it, who doesn't really feel sorry for credit card companies?" --David Letterman
"NASA has developed a urine machine that will convert urine into water. Well, guess what? It's on the blink. And you thought the coffee was bad where you work." --David Letterman
"And down in Washington, D.C., the Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. And there is no surprise here. You know, they've got to decorate the tree. So the contract to decorate the tree, a $10 billion ornament contract, went to Halliburton." --David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton is going to be secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Well, political insiders are now saying that Barack and Hillary actually have a good working relationship, but they don't have a close personal relationship. No, wait a minute, that's Hill and Bill." --David Letterman
"In political news, it looks like Hillary Clinton accepted Barack Obama's offer to be secretary of state. Very exciting. She accepted after Barack Obama's vetting process could not find any link between her and Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno
"Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. Yeah, listen to this. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we'll almost be even again." --Jay Leno
"It looks like the government is going to bail out CitiGroup, yet they don't want to bail out the auto companies. See, I don't think this is fair. I mean, blue collar guys who make our cars, they don't get the bailout. But the white collar guys on Wall Street, they get the bailout. You know what I think we should do? I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates. See what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno
"And the car companies don't like the word 'bailout.' They prefer to call it a '24-hour bail-a-thon! Come on down! Everything must go!'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, do you believe how much the price of gas has dropped? It's unbelievable. Given today how far it's gone down, I saw somebody driving a Prius today without a smug look on their face." --Jay Leno
"General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, 'Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's just not us.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President-elect Barack Obama gave a press conference today. He says he is united with President Bush's administration on doing everything they can to fix the economy. When asked about it, President Bush replied, 'Uh, what he said,' and then went back to packing." --Conan O'Brien
"Now, during the press conference, Obama told reporters that the economy is likely to get worse. After hearing this, John McCain said, 'That's funny. He didn't mention that during the campaign.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Astronauts on board the International Space Station are trying to fix the machine that turns urine into drinking water. Well, actually, the urine converter was fixed days ago, but the astronauts keep saying, 'You try it. No, you try it.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Today Barack Obama announced his economic team. President Bush is working closely with them. Obama said his team has many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that President Bush is working closely with them." --Craig Ferguson
"Joe Biden's replacement in the Senate has been picked. I don't know who it is yet, but that's a hell of a job. That’s a very big mouth to fill." --Craig Ferguson
"The astronauts were very busy up in the space station today, installing a machine that converts their urine into drinking water. I'm thinking, astronauts drinking their urine? America’s astronauts. Is the economy that bad? Remind me to never go to Buzz Aldrin's house for drinks again." --Craig Ferguson
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