Funny Late Night Arnold Schwarzenegger Political Jokes

"The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U.S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen...'" –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their mansion on the market for 23 million dollars. The mansion is nice but it's not all that clean. They had a maid, but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid. And today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund." –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care ... everything he's taken away from every other child in California." –Craig Ferguson



"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." –Craig Ferguson


"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to clean up messes for you." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Nobody believes Arnold could have kept this from Maria Shriver for 10 years because that would have required acting." -Bill Maher

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know that 'love child' is an accurate term. I'd call it an 'oh crap' child." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby – who could bench-press a Ford Expedition." –Jimmy Kimmel


Top Ten TSA Jokes by Late Night Comics

1. "This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house." —Seth Meyers

2. "Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." —Jimmy Kimmel

3. "Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" —Jay Leno

4. "TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." —David Letterman

5. "The TSA, it's our business to touch yours." —from a "Saturday Night Live" skit portraying TSA agents as sex workers

6. "In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" —Conan O'Brien

7. From David Letterman's Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent: "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"

8. "The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" —David Letterman

9. ‎"You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married." —Seth Meyers

10. "The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity." —Jimmy Fallon

Late Night Comics Top 10 TSA Jokes

1. "This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house." —Seth Meyers

2. "Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." —Jimmy Kimmel

3. "Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" —Jay Leno

4. "TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." —David Letterman

5. "The TSA, it's our business to touch yours." —from a "Saturday Night Live" skit portraying TSA agents as sex workers

6. "In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" —Conan O'Brien

7. From David Letterman's Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent: "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"

8. "The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" —David Letterman

9. ‎"You know, if I wanted somebody halfheartedly patting my groin without eye contact, I'd get married." —Seth Meyers

10. "The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity." —Jimmy Fallon

Late Night Political Jokes About BP Oil Spill

"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" —Jimmy Kimmel

"BP's company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The Coast Guard found a drunk man on a pool float yesterday after he drifted a mile out into the Gulf of Mexico. Authorities called the guy 'irresponsible,' while BP called him 'our best hope.'" —Jimmy Fallon

Jon Stewart, responding to John McCain's catchy new acronym B.I.O.B. (Blame it on Bush): "H.R.W.A.T.P.T.R.T.C.I.T.G — He really Was A Terrible President That Ran The Country Into The Ground."

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Late Night BP Oil Spill Jokes

"A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" –Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked." —Jimmy Fallon

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson

"The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." —David Letterman

"How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal." —David Letterman

"BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too ... and make me clean it up." —Craig Ferguson

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." —Jimmy Fallon

"This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled." —Jay Leno

"BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20." —Jay Leno

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Late Night Political BP Gulf Oil Spill Jokes

"The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami." –David Letterman

"A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"And today at a press conference, Obama said that the government does not have better technology than BP. That's a nice thing to announce to the world, that our government has fewer resources than a company that tried to plug a hole with a 'top hat.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, folks, here's the latest update. I guess this is good news. BP officials say the 'top kill' plan is working. The bad news — BP officials are a bunch of lying weasels." –Jay Leno

"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno

"What they're going to do is they're going to suck all of that oil that's leaking into the gulf and pump it up into a tanker. Now the bad news is the tanker is the Exxon Valdez." –David Letterman

"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." —Jimmy Fallon

"A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden's house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis." —Jimmy Fallon

"BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that's ruining the ocean." —Jimmy Fallon Follow On Twitter

Late Night Obama Jokes Of The Week 4/12

"Tomorrow, President Obama will be in Florida to announce his vision for America's space program. The rumor is that he is going to reverse President Bush's space policy, which centered on sending a giant caulk gun to the moon to fill all the craters up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, sent a letter to Obama criticizing him because he's expected to cut funding for manned space flights. And he even helped spearhead this ad campaign that I guess is designed to convince President Obama to change his mind on this. 'For nearly half a century, the United States has been a world leader in exploring the final frontier: First to the moon, inspiring a nation, and paving the way for countless advancements in science. President Obama's plan to cut NASA's budget means never again will Americans see astronauts suck Jell-O through a straw, eat floating bananas, or doing funny experiments with a frog. Write President Obama. Don't let these super fun times come to an end. This message paid for by astronauts who love super fun times in space.' Powerful stuff." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama says the new $6 billion program will let us engage in deeper space exploration, while Biden says this will let us engage in open dialogue with Alf." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Obama administration's top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we're No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?" –Jay Leno
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Jay Leno Late Night Jokes

"President Obama has come out with a new policy for using nuclear weapons. In a related story, Joe Biden said he would try not to drop the F-bomb so often." -Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin's daughter is speaking out. In an interview, Bristol Palin says she realizes she was totally unprepared to be a mother. Hey, it's better than being a mother that's totally unprepared to be vice president." -Jay Leno

"Sunday was the big White House Easter egg hunt. Of course, the Catholic priests didn't have time to hide eggs, they were too busy hiding each other." -Jay Leno

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Late Night Comedy Health Care Jokes

"It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes." –Jay Leno

"The healthcare bill won't have a public option. But Obama was like, 'The public option is not the most important aspect' of the healthcare bill because 'only a few million people' would benefit from it. And then a few million people were like 'Ummm . . . we can hear you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to compromises, it 'won't include everything that everybody wants.' For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital." –Conan O'Brien

"Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?" –Jay Leno
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David Letterman Late Night Political Jokes 12:17:09

"Well, here's good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a health care bill. That's 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They're going to go in there and vote." –David Letterman

"But they don't think that the health care bill will get passed before Christmas, unless they switch to the Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"Anybody going over to Denmark for the world global climate conference thing in Copenhagen? Yeah, I know. I'm going too. Here's the idea. It's got to be every country on the planet working together. And the United States is doing its part. And today, as a matter of fact, Barack Obama was talking to the Netherlands. He said, 'Here's the deal. You send us a windmill and we'll send you Joe Lieberman.'" –David Letterman

"Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He called one of the flight attendants a 'bitch.' Apparently, there was some ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot." –David Letterman
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Jimmy Kimmel Late Night Political Jokes 9:29:09

"Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has a new book coming out. They say she finished the book ahead of schedule so they moved the release date up to November 17th. So, turns out she can finish something." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of the book is 'Going Rogue,' which is how some of John McCain's advisers derisively describe what she did during the presidential campaign. The title is getting a mixed reaction. Some people like it, some people don't. And some think 'Going Rogue' is a rip-off of Joe Biden's memoir, 'Going Rogaine,' which came out like five years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know he's not just the Vice President, he's also a client." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, President Obama has an idea to make our country smarter. He wants to shorten summer vacation and extend the school year. And I don't want to be cynical, but clearly this is a back door deal for the powerful Tater Tot lobby." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I miss our old President, who worked for more recess for children, not more school. Instead, we elected the kid who reminds the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. That's no fun at all." --Jimmy Kimmel
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Joe Wilson Late Night Political Jokes from Craig Ferguson

"Every congressman has a vote, he should use it, but not in the middle of a speech to a joint session of Congress. That's not what you do. It's not the Jerry Springer Show. You can't stand up in the middle of Congress and say 'Oh no you did not!' What the hell is wrong with you? He said his emotions got the better of him. Sometimes I want to have sex with a hooker, but I don't!" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama, of course, is not the first president to have 'you lie' yelled at him. Bill Clinton got that all the time, but only from Hillary. And that was only after he came home and told her he lost his pants in a tornado." –Craig Ferguson

"Back when George Bush was president, Democrats in Congress, to be fair, would occasionally go 'Boooo!' But President Bush never took it personally, he just thought Congress was haunted." --Craig Ferguson

"After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. But even Vice President Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson

"When Wilson yelled 'you lie' at the president, I don't think he handled it very well. The president should go out and hone his material in some comedy clubs and deal with hecklers. Obama should have said, 'Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor's mistress?'" --Craig Ferguson
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David Letterman Late Night Political Jokes 9:9:09

"Here's kind of an interesting deal. This is the sort of thing that happens only in the United States and I guess we're happy about that. You go onto the eBay, and you can bid on having dinner. You fly to Alaska and have dinner with the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. And the bidding starts at $25,000. I know a lot of people think that's a pretty steep price to pay but you get an appetizer, you get entrée, and ammo. So, not that bad." --David Letterman

"And for an extra $1,000, she'll treat you like John McCain and cut up your meat." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin, very serious now she's out of office up there in Alaska. She wrote a critique of President Obama's health care plan and then she went back to seating customers at the Olive Garden." --David Letterman

"And how about Dick Cheney? Remember when Dick Cheney was Vice President for eight years and you never heard anything out of Dick Cheney? Here's what we knew about Dick Cheney. Always at an undisclosed location and the other thing is he shot his buddy in the face; those are the only two things we knew about Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Now, we can't keep him quiet. He's talking about maybe running for president in 2012. And he says he's willing to return to the White House, he'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor." --David Letterman

"Cheney's got a great campaign slogan. It says, 'Are you better off now than you were four heart attacks ago?'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, you know, this was a big stink about this. President Obama spoke to the kids, the school kids, and people were upset. They said, 'Hey, whoa, no!' They were upset that he was going to somehow -- that it would be some sort of political thing, he was trying to brainwash the kids. Here's what he said. He said to the kids, 'Hey, kids' -- that's how he opened -- 'work hard, get good grades, be constructive members of society.' Well, that Commie. Come on, what's he trying to pull? What's going on here?" --David Letterman

"Then, earlier tonight, President Obama spoke to Congress to explain his healthcare plan and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is very happy because apparently her Botox is covered, so that's good." --David Letterman

"And also under the healthcare plan, pop stars will still be able to choose their own creepy personal physicians. So that'll be good." --David Letterman


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Late Night Conan O'Brien Political Jokes from 9:9:09

"President Obama giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, when President Obama addressed the country's schoolchildren, he told them to stop dreaming about becoming professional athletes. In fact, it was the same exact speech Obama gave last year to the Los Angeles Clippers." --Conan O'Brien

"Florida's Republican governor, Charlie Crist, got a hold of President Obama's speech to students in advance, because everyone was talking about how controversial it might be. He decided there was nothing partisan and he allowed his kids to watch it. Of course, like everyone else in Florida, Crist's kids are in their late 60s." --Conan O'Brien

"The University of Wyoming recently announced they are naming an international student center after former Vice President Dick Cheney because if there are two things that make you think welcome foreigners, it's Dick Cheney and Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

"At a press conference this week, NASA made a big announcement. They announced that they've created a magnetic device that can levitate mice. NASA's spokesperson said, 'If you don't let us go to Mars, this is the kind of stupid crap we're going to do.'" --Conan O'Brien

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The Newest Late Night David Letterman Political Roast

"There's talk that the elections last week in Afghanistan were rigged. Boy, I didn't see that coming." --David Letterman

"Couple of years ago down in Cuba, Fidel Castro they thought, oh, he might be dying because he had some kind of surgery and he is an older fellow, in is 80s. But now, over the weekend, it's all Fidel Castro. He is everywhere. And he was on television. He looked fit. He looked healthy. He looked happy. He was so impressive, as a matter of fact, CIA is actually thinking of sending Squeaky Fromme down there to take a shot at him." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Earlier today, you know, bound to happen, awkward moment. He is out on the beach, runs into John McCain looking for coins with a metal detector." --David Letterman

"But President Obama says he's going to play golf, he's going to swim, and he's going to work his way through the Julia Child cookbook." --David Letterman

"But Obama is spending the week at a $30,000 dollar-a-week beach house. And they call this guy a socialist? Come on!" --David Letterman

"But Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound." --David Letterman

"Miss Venezuela is our new Miss Universe, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful. She came out dressed as a barrel of overpriced oil." --David Letterman

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman

"Anybody take advantage of the government's 'cash for clunkers' program? I was able to unload a couple of shows from last week." --David Letterman

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David Letterman Late Night Political Jokes

"Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about health care, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?" --David Letterman

"But have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." --David Letterman

"People are always saying to me, 'Well, Dave, are you worried?' No, I'm not worried about health care, and I'll tell you why. Because I'm with CBS. ... They have a tremendous health care plan. And here's what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a 'CSI' show as a corpse." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if I want to see a death panel, I'll turn into a George Stephanopoulos roundtable." --David Letterman

"Speaking of death panels, Dick Cheney said, 'Death panels! Count me in!'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It's a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called, 'Too Fat to Waterboard.'" --David Letterman

"I didn't know this, but according to the book, there was a time when President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney weren't speaking. They got into a fight and they weren't speaking. It really got so bad that earlier today, President Obama invited them both to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"And Cheney said that President Bush, there was a point during the second term, that he stopped listening to the vice president. George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, 'Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn't as dumb as we thought.'" --David Letterman


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The Weeks Funniest Late Night Political Jokes

"During his weekly radio address, President Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has been explaining his healthcare plan now to senior citizens. And yesterday, at a town hall meeting, he promised the crowd that he will not, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Then, there was an awkward moment when Grandpa stood up and booed." --Conan O'Brien

"These are troubled times, and we need a hero, someone unencumbered by politics as usual. Someone who could kill a moose with one hand and skin a bear with the other. Someone without a job. ... Yes! Like a ship slowly appearing over the horizon to an island of castaways, Sarah Palin has arrived with fresh food, clothing and that little box she keeps next to her bed filled with crazy." --Jon Stewart, on Palin accusing Obama of trying to create "death panels" that will kill her baby (Watch video clip)

"It does seem to me a tad ironic that Sarah Palin is so against killing old people considering that she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher, on Palin's opposition to the so-called "death panels" she claims are part of the health care reform bill

"According to a new report that just came out, NASA doesn't have enough money to track all the giant asteroids that could crash into Earth. NASA says we shouldn't worry though because they've given the job to Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, GM announced a new car that will get 230 miles a gallon. Today, Nissan said their new car is going to get 367 miles a gallon. It's getting crazy -- Toyota just announced their new car will get 500 miles per gallon, plant rain forests, give birth to endangered pandas." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option." --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game." --Conan O'Brien

"Former President Clinton, of course, in the news a lot lately. Yesterday, former President Clinton gave a speech to a group from Haiti, and he urged them not to give up hope. Clinton said, 'Things can start to look bleak, and then, all of the sudden, you're on an airplane with two hot Asian chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home. The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home." --Bill Maher

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Jimmy Fallon Late Night Political Jokes

"You remember John Edwards? He finally admitted he's the father of his mistress' baby after denying it for over a year. So it's a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it." --Jimmy Fallon

"Edwards says he's ashamed, he can hardly look at himself in the mirror. On the bright side, that frees up an extra 4 hours a day for him." --Jimmy Fallon

"Fortunately, some good news came out of the whole thing, he agreed to join Bristol Palin on the abstinence tour." --Jimmy Fallon
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10 Funny political jokes Of July 2009 Late Night

10 best political jokes Of July 2009 Late Night

10. "Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." --Conan O'Brien

9. "Finally, tomorrow, President Obama has his big beer summit with Professor Henry Louis Gates and Sergeant James Crowley. Yeah, that's a great idea. In my experience, the best way to settle an argument between guys from Boston, just add alcohol." --Jimmy Fallon

8. "Members of the Senate are considering a tax on cosmetic surgery. When they brought it up, you should have seen the look that Nancy Pelosi's face tried to make." --Conan O'Brien

7. "And Joe Biden's pretty busy. Today he went out to get a keg." --David Letterman

6. "To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama's going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs." --Conan O'Brien

5. "President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: 'What's your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where's our money?'" --Conan O'Brien

4. "People say, 'Well, what will the Governor do now?' And I'll tell you. She's going back to her old job as perfume spritzer at Nordstrom." --David Letterman

3. "Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!" --Craig Ferguson

2. "And then in the spirit of this, I thought it was nice today, Rush Limbaugh called up Professor Gates and Officer Crowley and he invited them over for some OxyContin." --David Letterman

1. "The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, said that Twitter is now blocked on every White House computer. Gibbs said: 'Sorry, I will not give a specific reason on why we are blocking Twitter. This concerns international White House … O.K., it was Biden. He was playing around again.'" --Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel Late Night Political Jokes

"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I thought this was nice. The First Lady, Michelle Obama, got him a brand new pair of her jeans for his birthday." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But what do you get for the man who has Oprah, you know?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon, and in return, he got twenty pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. ... Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners and brings them back. That's like Rambo." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So that's pretty impressive. Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners, and brings them back. I mean, that's like Rambo, you know. And by the way now -- plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And May God help any nation that tries to kidnap Megan Fox!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"One thing I noticed from the pictures of the trip -- check this out -- here's Kim Jong Il, all right, seated there. And here's Mahmoud-A-Members-Only-Jacket of Iran. The official uniform of the psychopathic leader is the khaki zip-up." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

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