"Five years ago tomorrow, I believe, you know what it was? We have an anniversary. They captured Saddam Hussein. Captured Saddam Hussein. Yeah. You know who gets a really big kick out of that? ... Bin Laden. He just thinks that's the funniest thing" --David Letterman
"President Bush's term is winding down, and all these articles are coming out, very strange articles about him. According to an article that just came out in a fitness magazine ... the president often rides a stationary bike on-board Air Force One. That's true. Advisors say he pedals really hard because he thinks he's powering the plane." --Conan O'Brien
"The Blagojevich scandal continues. Earlier this week, of course, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was accused of auctioning off a Senate seat to the highest bidder. Now his approval rating is at 8%. Yeah, when he heard this, Blagojevich said, 'Eight? Do I hear a nine? 10?" --Conan O'Brien
"When Vice President-elect Biden takes office next month, he's going to have a new family member on hand: a German Shepherd puppy. Biden has had three German Shepherds in the past, and he likes them because they're smart and they're quick learners. Which will come in handy, because as you know, the vice president's dog is always standing by in case President Obama's dog becomes incapacitated." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And this particular dog, he's only a month old. Already, Biden taught him a trick. He already learned how to put his foot in his mouth. Isn't that cute?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"And not only will the new puppy serve as a pet, until he gets big enough to be home alone, he will also serve as the vice president's toupee [on screen: a photo of Biden with the puppy sitting on his head]." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Obama girls are getting a puppy, Biden is getting a German Shepherd puppy, and Hillary Clinton will do all the spaying and neutering." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for five minutes to pack up his things, and eight hours to brush his hair." --Amy Poehler
"Prosecutors said Tuesday there is no evidence that Barack Obama was involved in the Blagojevich scandal. Or, as Fox News reported it, 'Is Barack Obama involved in the Blagojevich scandal?'" --Amy Poehler
"Barack Obama this week named Nobel Prize-winning physicist Steve Chu as his energy secretary, unless he was just sneezing." --Amy Poehler
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