"The former Vice President Dick Cheney is in town, ladies and gentlemen, in New York City. He's here to see all of his favorite shows: 'Phantom', 'Wicked', 'Stomp.'" --David Letterman
"Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought: Where? So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured.'" --David Letterman
"Fascinating. I mean, on the other hand, you wonder about a vice president who's got a panic room. 'It's just the ice cream truck, Dick. You can come up.'" --David Letterman
"Yeah, the underground dungeon is where Dick and his evil monks plotted to take over the Vatican." --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, there's good news for the environment. They're cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots." --David Letterman
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