"President Obama spoke on the phone this weekend for 20 minutes with Mexican President Calderon on how to cooperate on fighting this swine flu thing. Afterwards, he said the people of America and Mexico have found common ground. I believe it's called Los Angeles." --Jay Leno
"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno
"Well, this flu epidemic thing has become international. Mexico has filed a formal complaint against the country of China for seizing 70 of its citizens and quarantining them. China seized 70 people from Mexico, and Mexico said it was shocked. And, of course, the U.S. was stunned. Seventy? That's more than we've seized all year. Come on!" --Jay Leno
"And health officials have confirmed the first case of the virus being transmitted from a person to a pig. A farmer has transmitted the virus back to a pig. Scientists say they have not been able to come up with a good explanation on how this happened and neither has the farmer." --Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno
"Here's an unusual story. Only in Louisiana! I love Louisiana politics. This is my favorite. A porn star named Stormy Daniels is now embarking on a listening tour of the state of Louisiana. She's considering running for the Senate. A porn star running for the Senate. Porn to politics. That's kind of a lateral move, isn't it?" --Jay Leno
"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno
"No, this is true. A criminal grand jury is now probing whether or not Edwards illegally gave $114,000 from his political action committee to his mistress. Edwards said it was proper use of action committee money because he said, hey, he was getting plenty of action." --Jay Leno
"And today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders." --Jay Leno
"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs." --Jay Leno
"Miss California went to a gay wedding just for the free food. That's how bad' the economy is." --Jay Leno
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