"Television, tonight, has finally gone completely digital in the United States of America ... Analog TV signals are no longer being beamed through the air, and yet monologue jokes will still be flying over Sarah Palin's head." --Bill Maher
"Our friend David Letterman made a harmless joke about Bristol Palin and everyone went nuts. Please, she's a grown girl. She can take care of herself. ... Not that the Republicans don't every week have a case of fake outrage, but this was especially ridiculous this week. Dave Letterman then invited Sarah Palin and her daughter onto the show, the young one, Willow. And Sarah Palin said, it would be wise to keep Willow away from him. That's right, he's 62 years old, he's going to f*ck her right there on the stage. He's going to pull open his jacket, take his stint from his heart surgery out and have his way with her right there. ... I'd worry a little more about the 18-year-old hockey players who knock up your daughters regularly." --Bill Maher
"David Letterman is from Indiana. This is not in his DNA to make a joke like this. In fact, the only bright side to this is that finally, there's a comedian under fire for inappropriate remarks and it's not me." --Bill Maher
"But yeah, the fake outrage is off the charts this week. There's also a picture that was published in the paper of Barack Obama, our president, with his feet up on his desk in the Oval Office. The right-wingers are very upset about this. You can't do that, you ungrateful socialist, this is the people's house! [on screen: the photo of Obama with his feet on his desk. The screen shot then switches to a photo of Bush with his feet on the desk]. Oh, never mind." --Bill Maher
"They had elections today in Iran. Apparently it's still too close to call. They say if the vote is still close by tomorrow, there will be a runoff election next week, and then the usual series of lawsuits from Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher
"It's a little different over there when they have an election in Iran, because the women, they get to vote over there. Unlike our ally Saudi Arabia. But in Iran, the women get to vote and it's great, because they're already wearing the booth." --Bill Maher
"They released this week four prisoners who were previously held in Guantanamo Bay, and they've been cleared of their charges. And listen to this: they're resettling them in Bermuda and giving them each $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said today they are part of al Qaeda." --Bill Maher
"I guess there was some good news for Detroit. That's a tough city going through tough times. But the deal between Chrysler and Fiat went through this week. There is now going to be a Chrysler-Fiat. All the reliability of a Fiat, combined with the youthful appeal of a Chrysler. Even Oprah couldn't give this sh*t away" --Bill Maher
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