"Yesterday, controversial Iranian President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers published there that oppose his government. So, if you're keeping track, that's 30 opposition newspapers and 0 gay people." --Conan O'Brien
"Iranian President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad is headed back home tonight after a whirl-wind trip to New York. He said many, many crazy things during his time here, but the one most people seemed focused on -- I certainly am -- is his contention that there are no homosexuals in Iran. That claim was challenged by an Iranian news reporter [on screen: Ahmadinejad saying he knows no homosexuals after Iranian reporter says she knows several gay Iranians]. Neither did Larry Craig, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"You folks are here on a historic night. The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians. ... A couple of days ago, up at Columbia University ... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. By the way, that's why in Iran, it's nearly impossible to get your dog groomed." --David Letterman
"Yesterday at Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno
"As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." --Jay Leno
"As you know, women in Iran have to cover up. ... Premarital sex is against the law. In fact, a man can't even touch a woman over there unless you're married. There's no R-rated movies. I'm surprised all guys in Iran aren't gay by now." --Jay Leno
"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let's hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. ... That's so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either." --Jon Stewart
"The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. ... This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He's looked very hard for them, he's even placed personal ads. ... Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he'd be better dressed" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, Iran's President Ahmadinejad said that his country doesn't have problems with gay people because they don't have homosexuals in Iran. Although Ahmadinejad did admit that sometimes one Iranian will take another Iranian's penis hostage." --Conan O'Brien
"The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City today, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, 'If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we'll take a cab.'" --Conan O'Brien
"During his speech at Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad said his country 'doesn't have problems with gay people because they don't have homosexuals in Iran.' Which finally explains why Ahmadinejad gets away with wearing a windbreaker from 1983." --Conan O'Brien
"The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahma-nut job, has arrived in the United States. Did you know he was issued a visa to come here? Isn't that amazing? You need a visa to get into the United States now, when did they start with that? ... You know the interesting part? After he landed, he actually drove his own cab in from the airport." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, [Ahmadinejad] spoke to students at Columbia University. You know why he chose Columbia? ... 'Cause Notre Dame's football program sucks this year. ... No, it was tricky because he had to have an interpreter that could lie in two languages." --Jay Leno
"Actually, there was a lot of controversy over letting him speak at Columbia. The dean of the university said that he would even let Hitler speak. Apparently, he didn't realize he just did." --Jay Leno
"Ahmadinejad ... is against drugs, he's against alcohol, against premarital sex, against homosexuality and pornography. What's he speaking at a college for? Good luck finding any common ground with those kids." --Jay Leno
"My favorite part of his speech is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. That's what he said. Too bad, because they need somebody to choreograph those parades they have every week." --Jay Leno
"You folks are here during a great week. It's 'Lunatic Dictator Week' in New York City. ... Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here to visit the U.N., and also to recover some stolen sports memorabilia. ... Earlier today, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at Columbia University. Oh my gosh, ladies and gentleman, there hasn't been this many angry protesting students at a college since Ball State named a building after me" --David Letterman
"New York City today abuzz. The big talk? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here speaking at the U.N. and actually touring our fair city. Start spreading the news ... 'Death to America.' ... Even before his arrival, Ahmadinejad caused a stir by saying he wanted to visit Ground Zero, a request many New Yorkers saw as the ultimate insult. Or so they thought, until the diminutive Iranian got off his plane at Kennedy Airport [on screen: Ahmadinejad with a Boston Red Sox hat on]. ... The really dickish part about that? He's a Twins fan." --Jon Stewart
"With the streets here gridlocked by security, how would Ahmadinejad have the time to make all these commitments? Simple. He gets to drive in the Holocaust Deniers Lane. One thing you can't deny is the time you'll save." --Jon Stewart
"The Iranian President ... is coming to New York, but he's been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him?" --Jay Leno
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