Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien.' Thank you. Thank you! I have to admit, I think I've timed this moment perfectly. Think about it. I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and 'The Tonight Show'' is sponsored by General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"But you know, people get upset about everything. People are already screaming. They say: 'You know what that little date that the President and his wife went on in New York City, you know what that cost people? Twenty four thousand dollars. It lasted four hours and it cost $24,000.' And former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer said, 'That's about right.'" --David Letterman
"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said yesterday that the day of reckoning is here. That either means he has a new movie out or we're screwed." -- Jimmy Kimmel
"Dick Cheney said today, he supports gay marriage. I think he only supports gay marriage because he sees marriage as a form of torture, but anyway, he supports it." --Craig Ferguson
"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman
"Yeah, the taxpayers are going to be lending bankrupt General Motors $30 billion. Taxpayers' money. Exactly, right. I mean, GM has become America's brother-in-law. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman
"Did everyone see Brian Williams' special with President Obama that was on? Yeah? Anyway, there's this big NBC News special with Brian Williams, and in the special, President Obama showed Brian Williams what tricks his new puppy, Bo, could do. Isn't that cool? Yeah, in fact, Bo has already learned to sit up and beg for federal bailout money." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of President Obama, a new book is coming out; hasn't been out yet, I think. But it's coming out. And it claims that President Obama and his wife went through a rough patch in their marriage, where their relationship was somewhat frosty. Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I'd kill for somewhat frosty.'" --Conan O'Brien
"How about that Dick Cheney? He's really quite busy here lately. He's talking. He says now that Saddam Hussein, listen to this, think about this, Saddam Hussein, who used to be the guy running the show there in Iraq, said Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Whoa. And to get that information, Cheney admits that he had to waterboard himself." --David Letterman
"How about that Dick Cheney? Do you remember Dick Cheney? Now here's a guy we didn't really think much about until he goes hunting one day. And everything changed. I mean, he became Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney. He is now saying that Saddam Hussein had no connection with 9/11. Well, no harm done." --David Letterman
"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman
"Hey, there's a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife." --Craig Ferguson
"Apparently, the Obamas' date was fulfilling a promise Barack made to Michelle. He told her once the campaign was over, he’d take her to New York for dinner and a Broadway show. I like that, because it makes Obama seem like any other married guy, doing stuff he doesn't want to do because he promised the wife." --Craig Ferguson
"The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible -- it was Biden. Okay. It was Joe Biden." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I'm like, what?! He said he might support President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription." --Craig Ferguson
"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week, Sonia Sotomayor. Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher
"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women." --Bill Maher
"Please, I'll correct this for everybody. The correct pronunciation is Sota-Mayor. Unless you're a Republican, and then I believe it's pronounced 'Sodomizer.'" --Jon Stewart
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