"The weather here in California is very nice. But it's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? So it's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change." –Jay Leno
"Well, the good news — you know the Nigerian underwear bomber? He is now in custody. Remember the good old days when the only threat from Nigeria was spam email? From the prince. He had a thousand dollars. What happened?" –Jay Leno
"Of course, a lot of people complaining that traveling here in the United States is a pain; we shouldn't have to go through a pat-down search. You think you should? Yeah, I mean, hey, when you go to a football stadium, they pat you down, right, huh? I mean, shouldn't the country be as least as hard to get into as a Cleveland Browns game? Don't you think?" –Jay Leno
"And former President Bush says he's been following the situation in Yemen very carefully. But, you know, we love President Bush, but I don't think he really understands the situation. Like today, said, 'When life gives you Yemens, you make Yemenade.'" –Jay Leno
"The government investigated yet another terrorist threat today. Luckily it was just McDonald's announcing they're bringing back the McRib sandwich." –Jay Leno
"You know, the McRib is coming back. That's why Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the hospital. I knew there was something going on!" –Jay Leno
"Anyway, the doctor who examined Rush Limbaugh says that he's fine, back to normal. That's good to know. You know, they asked about every possible problem they could think of, and when Rush blamed every one of them on Barack Obama, they knew, 'Oh, he's just fine, back to normal.'" –Jay Leno
"And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut." –Jay Leno
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