Political Roast| Bill Maher Political Jokes

"Have you seen what's going on with these town halls? I don't want to say they're out of control. But they're starting to show them on ESPN. I haven't seen old white people this upset since they canceled 'Murder, She Wrote.'" --Bill Maher

"No, I'm serious, they are giving angry mobs a bad name. ... And these people, I'm sorry, they are not the best-informed group of screaming people I've seen in my life. Exit polls show that half these people think they're bidding on a tractor." --Bill Maher

"And now, there's actual fist-fights that are breaking out in the town hall meetings. And I have to say this, if you get injured while fighting against health care, you have to lie there and bleed. You just do. I'm sorry." -Bill Maher

"I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord." -Bill Maher

"But Obama's getting pissed at this. I don't blame him. He's getting testy. He said, 'If I wanted to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged, I'll ask Joe Biden a yes-or-no question.'" -Bill Maher

"Today was his 200th day in office. Barack Obama has been -- wow, he made it. And he said he still loves the job as much as ever. And he loves it so much, he's thinking about finally doing it and becoming an American citizen." -Bill Maher

"Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home." -Bill Maher

"The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home." -Bill Maher

"I thought also the biggest news flash of the week: Sonia Sotomayor is now on the Supreme Court. The Senate confirmed her. She will be -- I thought this was interesting -- sworn in on Saturday by Chief Justice John Roberts. And that is progress: a Hispanic woman having a white man come in on Saturday." --Bill Maher

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Political Roast| Funny Political Jokes By Bill Maher

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher
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A Political Roast With Funny Political Late Night Jokes-1/22/09

Jan. 22, 2009

"It was announced today they're coming out with an official Inauguration Day DVD. Listen to this, it's going to contain a lot of extras, including the Supreme Court Justice John Roberts blooper reel. You don't want to miss this." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It'll shut down." --Jay Leno

"He's really getting tough. Yesterday, President Obama issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists, any gifts to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, today they went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon installed in Dick Cheney's office." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama's president, Michael Jackson said he's thinking about being black again." --Jay Leno

"And while Barack Obama was in the inaugural parade the other day, he was wearing what the Secret Service called a bullet-resistant suit. Did you see that? The suit was made out of what they call 'bullet resistant material.' You know, here's my question, the man's the president. Spend a couple of bucks, go the extra yard, get the 'bullet proof' suit. Okay?" --Jay Leno

"On President Bush's flight back to Texas on Tuesday, they showed a video of his accomplishments. So, apparently he didn't fly over New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency, after vice president, speaker of the house, and president pro-temp of the Senate, she is next. Which means they're going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the house, and senate pro-temp of the Senate." --Jay Leno

"Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton's vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She's out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out 'cause of tax issues. The good news, she's still eligible to be treasury secretary." --Jay Leno

"Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That's big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour." --Conan O'Brien


"Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It's cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary."

"President Obama's chief of staff has ordered federal agencies to freeze funding on a lot of projects that President Bush tried to push through in his final days. Yeah, so, for now, the National Scooby-Doo Museum remains a distant dream. That's not happening. Bush heard. He was like, 'Rut roh!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Obama had to have the oath of office re-administered by Chief Justice Roberts. You may remember, the first time they did it, it didn't take, because they were both really drunk and screwed it up. Roberts mixed up some of the words, so yesterday, they decided to redo it, just to be safe. And this is why you need to get Regis for this stuff, because Regis doesn't screw things up. If Regis delivered the oath, it would have been absolutely perfect. No?" --Jimmy Kimmel

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