Jay Leno Political Jokes on Health Care, Tiger Woods and Michael Steele

"Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums." –Jay Leno

"Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal." –Jay Leno

"Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?" –Jay Leno

"In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks." –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter

Jay Leno Political Health Care Joke

"According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. What, is Toyota blaming Klingons now?" –Jay Leno

"Here's something amazing: A North Carolina jury, this week, awarded $9 million to a jilted wife, from the other woman. The other woman has to pay $9 million to the wife for breaking up her marriage. Wait, do you realize how historic this is? Guys, for the first time in history, women are agreeing it's not the guy's fault. It's her fault! This is what men have been saying for years. Poor John Edwards. He was tricked." –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter

Late Night Comedy Health Care Jokes

"It looks like Democrats have their 60 votes for healthcare. Harry Reid said the bill will save us hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, it would have, except for the hundreds of millions of dollars we had to pay to buy the 60 votes." –Jay Leno

"The healthcare bill won't have a public option. But Obama was like, 'The public option is not the most important aspect' of the healthcare bill because 'only a few million people' would benefit from it. And then a few million people were like 'Ummm . . . we can hear you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." –Jay Leno

"President Obama says that Congress is very close to getting a new health care plan, but due to compromises, it 'won't include everything that everybody wants.' For instance, it covers everything except trips to the doctor or the hospital." –Conan O'Brien

"Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?" –Jay Leno
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Obama Selling Judgeships for Health Care Votes

Washington DC - Jim Matheson of Utah voted against the health care bill in November. The White House just sent out a press release announcing that today President Obama nominated Matheson’s brother Scott M. Matheson, Jr. to the United States Court of Appeals for the Tenth Circuit....More...Follow On Twitter

Democrats' plan to help 'uninsurables' questioned (AP)

AP - You're afraid your cancer is back, and a health insurance company just turned you down. Under the health care bills in Congress, you could apply for coverage through a new high-risk pool that President Barack Obama promises would immediately start serving patients with pre-existing medical problems. Wait a second. Read the fine print. You may have to be uninsured for six months to qualify....More--
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House health bill 1,990 pages - $2.24 million per word

Washington DC - It runs more pages than War and Peace, has nearly five times as many words as the Torah. The House health care bill clocks in at 1,990 pages and about 400,000 words. With an estimated 10-year cost of $894 billion, that comes out to about $2.24 million per word. A print-out of the bill weighs more than 19 pounds and stands nearly nine inches tall. Republican Rep. Joe Barton, who is Texan, said the bill is “about four reams of paper” that add up to the American public “getting reamed.”...More--Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

News Max Reports-3 Senators, Obama Secretly Write Health Bill

Washington DC - When he was a presidential candidate, Barack Obama promised to make negotiations over healthcare reform an open and transparent process. Now that he’s president, the reality is that most of the high-stakes work is being conducted by just three senators behind closed doors. According to the Washington Post, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., and Sens. Christopher Dodd, D-Conn., and Max Baucus, D-Mont., gather in Reid’s office to hammer out a merger of competing bills before a Senate vote. The only other people allowed in the room are key aides and Obama’s representatives on healthcare reform. More…Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

Obama praises Senate committee's health care vote

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Pushing back against his critics, President Barack Obama says overhauling the health care system, while helping millions of people, also will test whether policy makers can "serve the national interest despite the unrelenting efforts of the special interests....More---Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

Special Health Care for Congress

Washington DC - One floor below where congress works in the U.S. Capitol is an elaborate Navy medical clinic — described by those who have seen it as something akin to a modern community hospital — will be standing by, on-call and ready to provide Congress with some of the country’s best and most efficient government-run health care. Members pay a flat, annual fee of $503 for all the care they receive. The rest of the cost of their care is subsidized by taxpayers.....More----Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

Deep divisions over long-awaited health care plan

AP - President Barack Obama's call for an overhaul of the nation's health care system gained fresh momentum with the introduction of long-delayed Senate legislation to rein in spiraling medical costs and require nearly everyone to be carry health insurance....More--
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Conan Political Jokes on Health Care and Clinton

"Remember the two Asian-American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton. Well, they have finally written about their ordeal. The two of them said they were frightened, mistreated, and violated, and then someone told Clinton to leave them alone." --Conan O'Brien

"The healthcare debate is getting crazily intense. Yesterday during a healthcare protest, a fight broke out and a man got his finger bitten off. That's true. No one knows who started, but there's been an awful lot of stub pointing." --Conan O'Brien
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Dem negotiator: Time here for health care action (AP)

AP - The Senate's chief Democratic negotiator on a health care bill is indicating it's time to act and has told his colleagues he won't wait much longer for a Republican compromise.....More
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