The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers
"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers
"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers
"The stock market apparently, cannot find a bottom. ... Auditors say we're probably going to lose General Motors, which is terrible news for the guy who was going to buy one of their cars." -- Bill Maher
"What I find so amusing about all of this is that Obama's been in office 45 days roughly, and the public is blaming this all on him. It's the Obama Recession, which is kind of true, because if McCain had won, Sarah Palin would still be buying clothes." -- Bill Maher
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher
"I have some exciting news, the Obama family is finally getting their dog! Yeah, they say they're getting a Portuguese Water Dog. And today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails!" -- Jay Leno
"In a stunning move, Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. Oh, please! There's no way President Obama could do that. He'd have to move up, what, at least five weight classes. You know what Obama should do? He should debate him if Rush goes on a 5K run." -- Jay Leno
"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." -- Jay Leno
"Hey, we wanna wish former First Lady Barbara Bush well. She's recovering in the hospital after heart surgery, while the rest of us are caught recovering from her son's presidency." -- Jay Leno
"It was on this day in 1923 that the first old-age pensions in America were created. It was based on the idea that as you work, you put a little money in investments so you'd have some saved up for when you retire. How dumb were those people? Could you imagine falling for that today?" -- Jay Leno
"Putting your money in the stock market? ... The economy's in bad shape. Saw Jack Nicholson scalping Laker tickets that's how bad." -- Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad O.J. had to shut down the DNA lab he was using to find the real killers. That's how bad." -- Jay Leno
"I'll tell you how bad the stock market is, I saw a kid on spring break today and he was sober." -- Jay Leno
"Well according to National Enquirer, John Edwards has admitted to his wife that he fathered a love child with his mistress. Is it really a love child? Isn't it more like a 'Hurry up before my wife gets home child?'" -- Jay Leno
"So we lose an hour of sleep. You know that used to bother people, but after losing your house, your car, your 401(k), that's nothing. An hour of sleep? That's nothing." -- Jay Leno
"I hate to talk about the economy. Here's what I used to think: It doesn't make any difference what kind of trouble we're in with the economy as long as you have a good accountant. ... So today, I think I'll pay a surprise visit to my accountant just to check up, see how things are doing. I walk into his office, he's playing Guitar Hero." -- David Letterman
"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman
"The economy is so bad, the economy is so terrible out there. In fact, guys are going to the strip club now, they're making it rain with food stamps." -- Jimmy Fallon
"CNN Dr. Sanjay Gupta, you hear this guy? You hear about Gupta? Gupta turned down the Surgeon General job because he was going to have to take a pay cut. You have no idea how much CNN is paying him to keep Larry King alive." -- Jimmy Fallon
"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time, don't forget. Spring forward, that's what you do. Yeah, you lose one hour of sleep, but under Obama's tax plan you lose two. He's getting his hands in everything." -- Jimmy Fallon
"Finally, Esquire magazine just released its list of the best dressed men in the world. Barack Obama was number four. Coming in first? Hillary Clinton." -- Jimmy Fallon
Funny Pics----Premium Domain Names----Comedy Videos---Comedy Songs----Advertise Here and 24 Other Sites!
0 comments:
Post a Comment