Political Jokes-Obama Jokes

The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn’t return him now even if we wanted to.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations." --Jay Leno

"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'" --Seth Meyers

"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen." --David Letterman

"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." --Jay Leno

"And in a speech in Anchorage, Alaska, Sarah Palin took kind of a cheap shot at her former running mate, John McCain. She said she couldn't find anyone to pray with during the campaign. She's not the only one. Between Jesse Jackson and Reverend Wright, Obama couldn't find anybody to pray with either." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama announced he is using his own money to redecorate the White House. Meanwhile, he is using taxpayers' money to redecorate the houses of A.I.G. executives." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

"How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies." --Jay Leno

"Many people are complaining, though, that Obama is becoming too scripted. Last night, he was having an intimate moment with Michelle, and she said, 'Wait, are you reading the teleprompter?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"On '60 Minutes' the other night, if you saw the interview, reporter Steve Croft asked President Obama how he could laugh with all the financial trouble going on. And the President said it's necessary to have a measure of 'gallows humor to get you through the day.' You know why Obama likes gallows humor? It works much better for him than bowling humor." --Jay Leno

"After Barack Obama was on the show Thursday, I got a phone call from Joe Biden going, 'Wow, what was it like to talk to the President?'" --Jay Leno

"Did you see this on '60 Minutes' last night? Michelle Obama is planting a vegetable garden on the White House lawn. You know the economy's bad when the Obamas are afraid of running out of food." --Jimmy Fallon

"This morning, the first lady, Michelle Obama, celebrated spring by breaking ground on a new vegetable garden at the White House. She said she did it to help educate children about healthy, locally-grown food, and to help her own family survive the coming economic apocalypse." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We are very excited to have President Barack Obama on the show tonight. People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno

"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." --Bill Maher
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Funny Political Jokes From The Late Night Pundits

The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers

"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers

"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers

"The stock market apparently, cannot find a bottom. ... Auditors say we're probably going to lose General Motors, which is terrible news for the guy who was going to buy one of their cars." -- Bill Maher

"What I find so amusing about all of this is that Obama's been in office 45 days roughly, and the public is blaming this all on him. It's the Obama Recession, which is kind of true, because if McCain had won, Sarah Palin would still be buying clothes." -- Bill Maher

"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher

"I have some exciting news, the Obama family is finally getting their dog! Yeah, they say they're getting a Portuguese Water Dog. And today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails!" -- Jay Leno

"In a stunning move, Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. Oh, please! There's no way President Obama could do that. He'd have to move up, what, at least five weight classes. You know what Obama should do? He should debate him if Rush goes on a 5K run." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." -- Jay Leno

"Hey, we wanna wish former First Lady Barbara Bush well. She's recovering in the hospital after heart surgery, while the rest of us are caught recovering from her son's presidency." -- Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1923 that the first old-age pensions in America were created. It was based on the idea that as you work, you put a little money in investments so you'd have some saved up for when you retire. How dumb were those people? Could you imagine falling for that today?" -- Jay Leno

"Putting your money in the stock market? ... The economy's in bad shape. Saw Jack Nicholson scalping Laker tickets that's how bad." -- Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad O.J. had to shut down the DNA lab he was using to find the real killers. That's how bad." -- Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how bad the stock market is, I saw a kid on spring break today and he was sober." -- Jay Leno

"Well according to National Enquirer, John Edwards has admitted to his wife that he fathered a love child with his mistress. Is it really a love child? Isn't it more like a 'Hurry up before my wife gets home child?'" -- Jay Leno

"So we lose an hour of sleep. You know that used to bother people, but after losing your house, your car, your 401(k), that's nothing. An hour of sleep? That's nothing." -- Jay Leno

"I hate to talk about the economy. Here's what I used to think: It doesn't make any difference what kind of trouble we're in with the economy as long as you have a good accountant. ... So today, I think I'll pay a surprise visit to my accountant just to check up, see how things are doing. I walk into his office, he's playing Guitar Hero." -- David Letterman

"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman

"The economy is so bad, the economy is so terrible out there. In fact, guys are going to the strip club now, they're making it rain with food stamps." -- Jimmy Fallon

"CNN Dr. Sanjay Gupta, you hear this guy? You hear about Gupta? Gupta turned down the Surgeon General job because he was going to have to take a pay cut. You have no idea how much CNN is paying him to keep Larry King alive." -- Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time, don't forget. Spring forward, that's what you do. Yeah, you lose one hour of sleep, but under Obama's tax plan you lose two. He's getting his hands in everything." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, Esquire magazine just released its list of the best dressed men in the world. Barack Obama was number four. Coming in first? Hillary Clinton." -- Jimmy Fallon

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Political Roast-Late Night Political Jokes

"It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You've got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year's White House Christmas party." --Jay Leno

"And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don't know what that means." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn't any." --Seth Meyers

"The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite" --Seth Meyers


"The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font." --Amy Poehler

"Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman's terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it's like to be K-Fed." --Jimmy Kimmel