A Political Roast By Late Night Pundits!

General Motors says they won't need the $2 billion bailout money after all. Apparently they're getting great returns with some guy named Madoff." -- Craig Ferguson

"The judge sent Madoff straight to jail. He said do not pass go, do not collect $200. Although Madoff said, 'I could turn that $200 into $400.'" -- Craig Ferguson

"They may have to put him in a cell that separates him from the general population because this guy is really hated. He's like Osama bin Laden, O.J. Simpson and Rush Limbaugh rolled into one person." -- Craig Ferguson

"Madoff's victims thought they were making nice, safe investments. Now I'm certainly not blaming them, but maybe they should've been tipped off by the guy's name. 'Made-off.' That's like giving your money to a guy called 'Steve Criminal.'" -- Craig Ferguson

"I got kind of a moral dilemma here. Do you think, and be honest about this, do you think it's too soon for me to hit on Bernie Madoff's wife?" -- David Letterman

"Bernie and his wife Ruth want to keep $69 million. They said that's not money they swindled. That's just money they had laying around. That's money they saved by switching to Geico." -- David Letterman

"People are now saying that the recession we're in turning perhaps to a depression is not as bad as the one they went through in 1929. So what we're going through now, not as bad as 1929. And I said hey, come on, give us a chance. We can make it worse." -- David Letterman

"New York state is considering a tax every time you go into a strip club. A $10 tax every time you go into a strip club. For example, in my case, it would be, well, like what's 365 times 10, what would that be?" -- David Letterman

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have broken up. That's right. That's right. And apparently it was not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it coming." -- David Letterman

"I think secretly, Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail." -- David Letterman

"But right about now, Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with her rifle." -- David Letterman

"Right about now, Bernie Madoff hearing the two scariest words of his life. 'Lights out!'" -- Jay Leno

"Well, Bernard Madoff pled guilty today in court for running a Ponzi scheme, was immediately taken to jail. Get this, when he was taken to jail, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. So, you know what that means, guys. In prison, he's available." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama said we have let our schools crumble and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news, we're still No. 1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. So, yeah!" -- Jay Leno

"Another big bailout yesterday. Levi Johnson bailed out of his engagement to Sarah Palin's daughter. It's now officially confirmed that Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement to Levi Johnson, the father of her baby. Yeah. See, their relationship never evolved because they don't believe in evolution." -- Jay Leno

"Give you an idea of how bad the economy is. Rush Limbaugh down to just three meals a day. That's how bad it is." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office." -- Jay Leno

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.'" -- Jay Leno

"He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?" -- Jay Leno

"The Department of Homeland Security plans to study the possibility that the human body - that human body odor could be used to tell whether people are lying or not. You can smell someone and tell by their odor whether they're lying. You thought you hated your job. O.K.?" -- Jay Leno

"Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to all charges and is now in jail. That's it. It's been a really busy day for him. He got an orange jumpsuit. He met his new cell mate. And he's converted to Islam." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's teenage daughter, Bristol, she broke up with her fiance, Levi Johnston. Yeah. But today they announced they're recording a duet together." -- Jimmy Fallon

"The journalist who threw his shoes at George Bush was convicted on Thursday in an Iraqi court. He was sentenced to three years of non-stop high-fives." -- Jimmy Fallon


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Funny Political Jokes From The Late Night Pundits

The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers

"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers

"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers

"The stock market apparently, cannot find a bottom. ... Auditors say we're probably going to lose General Motors, which is terrible news for the guy who was going to buy one of their cars." -- Bill Maher

"What I find so amusing about all of this is that Obama's been in office 45 days roughly, and the public is blaming this all on him. It's the Obama Recession, which is kind of true, because if McCain had won, Sarah Palin would still be buying clothes." -- Bill Maher

"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." -- Bill Maher

"I have some exciting news, the Obama family is finally getting their dog! Yeah, they say they're getting a Portuguese Water Dog. And today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails!" -- Jay Leno

"In a stunning move, Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. Oh, please! There's no way President Obama could do that. He'd have to move up, what, at least five weight classes. You know what Obama should do? He should debate him if Rush goes on a 5K run." -- Jay Leno

"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." -- Jay Leno

"Hey, we wanna wish former First Lady Barbara Bush well. She's recovering in the hospital after heart surgery, while the rest of us are caught recovering from her son's presidency." -- Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1923 that the first old-age pensions in America were created. It was based on the idea that as you work, you put a little money in investments so you'd have some saved up for when you retire. How dumb were those people? Could you imagine falling for that today?" -- Jay Leno

"Putting your money in the stock market? ... The economy's in bad shape. Saw Jack Nicholson scalping Laker tickets that's how bad." -- Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad O.J. had to shut down the DNA lab he was using to find the real killers. That's how bad." -- Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how bad the stock market is, I saw a kid on spring break today and he was sober." -- Jay Leno

"Well according to National Enquirer, John Edwards has admitted to his wife that he fathered a love child with his mistress. Is it really a love child? Isn't it more like a 'Hurry up before my wife gets home child?'" -- Jay Leno

"So we lose an hour of sleep. You know that used to bother people, but after losing your house, your car, your 401(k), that's nothing. An hour of sleep? That's nothing." -- Jay Leno

"I hate to talk about the economy. Here's what I used to think: It doesn't make any difference what kind of trouble we're in with the economy as long as you have a good accountant. ... So today, I think I'll pay a surprise visit to my accountant just to check up, see how things are doing. I walk into his office, he's playing Guitar Hero." -- David Letterman

"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time. ... You're going to lose an hour of sleep, and then I thought but what the hell, you've pretty much lost everything else. But not everyone sets their clocks ahead. Not everyone. No, no, no, no, no. On Wall Street, they've already set their clocks back to 1929." -- David Letterman

"The economy is so bad, the economy is so terrible out there. In fact, guys are going to the strip club now, they're making it rain with food stamps." -- Jimmy Fallon

"CNN Dr. Sanjay Gupta, you hear this guy? You hear about Gupta? Gupta turned down the Surgeon General job because he was going to have to take a pay cut. You have no idea how much CNN is paying him to keep Larry King alive." -- Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend is Daylight Savings Time, don't forget. Spring forward, that's what you do. Yeah, you lose one hour of sleep, but under Obama's tax plan you lose two. He's getting his hands in everything." -- Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, Esquire magazine just released its list of the best dressed men in the world. Barack Obama was number four. Coming in first? Hillary Clinton." -- Jimmy Fallon

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Political Roast Top Funny Political Jokes Late Night Pundits

Feb. 3, 2009

"Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is on the show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that thing on his head doesn't bite me." --David Letterman

"I like Blagojevich. He looks like your neighbor who never returns the tools. Blagojevich looks like a guy at K-Mart who says, 'The best we can do is store credit.'" --David Letterman

"Aren't you tired of bad economic news, ladies and gentlemen? Well, here is some good economic news. President Obama has a great new economic plan. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to make all the cabinet members that he has selected pay their back taxes." --David Letterman

"Tom Daschle has withdrawn his cabinet nomination because he had some tax problems. Forgot about $150,000. Remember the old days, when politicians got in trouble for having sex with pages. Those days seem pretty sweet now, don't they?" --David Letterman

"The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff's family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. Post Office announced they could run out of cash by the end of the year. They said they're in serious danger of becoming a bank. That's how bad it is." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy is so bad, even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes." --Jay Leno

"Today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination for secretary of health and human services after being forced to pay $128,000 in back taxes. Daschle was extremely upset because now it looks like he paid his taxes for nothin'!" --Jay Leno

"You know what really did Tom Daschle in? It turns out there are now pictures of him partying with Michael Phelps." --Jay Leno

"And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?" --Jay Leno

"You realize Obama would have less tax problems if he had nominated Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes. They actually have better records than most of these people." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of frightening. Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? Huh? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too? Is that it?" --Jay Leno

"And it was on this very day in 1690 that the very first paper money in America was issued in Massachusetts. It was issued by a man named Merrill Lynch, who used the money to give himself the first huge bonus." --Jay Leno

"And the Smithsonian Institute wants the hat that Aretha Franklin wore at President Obama's inauguration. They want to put the hat on display, and they will take possession of the hat as soon as they can build a new wing to house it. " --Jay Leno

"This weekend, the Republican National Committee elected their first-ever African-American chairman. His name is Michael Steele, or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'the black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be the Health and Human Services Secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes." --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The producers of this year's Academy Awards are worried about the ratings, so they are making several changes to the show to try to increase viewership. For instance, this year's broadcast will be called 'American Idol Presents the Oscars, Hosted by Barack Obama.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Apparently, the President has a half brother named George Obama, who lives in Kenya, and George Obama was arrested on Saturday for possession of marijuana. He was walking around the village telling people his brother was the President, so they assumed he was high and arrested him." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How great is that, though? One brother is the President of the United States, the other is a stoner in Kenya. If that isn't a sitcom, I don't know what is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And by the way, is Africa really the place you want to get the munchies? It isn't." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was a great day for us here at the show but not a great day for Batman, or as he's known in real life, actor Christian Bale. Bale was all over the Internet today. Have you heard that tape? We can't play it for you, because some of the language is not appropriate for TV. Almost everyone who's heard this tape says it's offensive, but former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich disagreed, calling it 'amateur,' and 'not cussy enough.'" --Craig Ferguson

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