General Motors says they won't need the $2 billion bailout money after all. Apparently they're getting great returns with some guy named Madoff." -- Craig Ferguson
"The judge sent Madoff straight to jail. He said do not pass go, do not collect $200. Although Madoff said, 'I could turn that $200 into $400.'" -- Craig Ferguson
"They may have to put him in a cell that separates him from the general population because this guy is really hated. He's like Osama bin Laden, O.J. Simpson and Rush Limbaugh rolled into one person." -- Craig Ferguson
"Madoff's victims thought they were making nice, safe investments. Now I'm certainly not blaming them, but maybe they should've been tipped off by the guy's name. 'Made-off.' That's like giving your money to a guy called 'Steve Criminal.'" -- Craig Ferguson
"I got kind of a moral dilemma here. Do you think, and be honest about this, do you think it's too soon for me to hit on Bernie Madoff's wife?" -- David Letterman
"Bernie and his wife Ruth want to keep $69 million. They said that's not money they swindled. That's just money they had laying around. That's money they saved by switching to Geico." -- David Letterman
"People are now saying that the recession we're in turning perhaps to a depression is not as bad as the one they went through in 1929. So what we're going through now, not as bad as 1929. And I said hey, come on, give us a chance. We can make it worse." -- David Letterman
"New York state is considering a tax every time you go into a strip club. A $10 tax every time you go into a strip club. For example, in my case, it would be, well, like what's 365 times 10, what would that be?" -- David Letterman
"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have broken up. That's right. That's right. And apparently it was not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it coming." -- David Letterman
"I think secretly, Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail." -- David Letterman
"But right about now, Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with her rifle." -- David Letterman
"Right about now, Bernie Madoff hearing the two scariest words of his life. 'Lights out!'" -- Jay Leno
"Well, Bernard Madoff pled guilty today in court for running a Ponzi scheme, was immediately taken to jail. Get this, when he was taken to jail, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. So, you know what that means, guys. In prison, he's available." -- Jay Leno
"President Obama said we have let our schools crumble and other nations are outpacing us in learning. But the good news, we're still No. 1 in the number of students sleeping with their teachers. So, yeah!" -- Jay Leno
"Another big bailout yesterday. Levi Johnson bailed out of his engagement to Sarah Palin's daughter. It's now officially confirmed that Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement to Levi Johnson, the father of her baby. Yeah. See, their relationship never evolved because they don't believe in evolution." -- Jay Leno
"Give you an idea of how bad the economy is. Rush Limbaugh down to just three meals a day. That's how bad it is." -- Jay Leno
"President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office." -- Jay Leno
"Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.'" -- Jay Leno
"He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?" -- Jay Leno
"The Department of Homeland Security plans to study the possibility that the human body - that human body odor could be used to tell whether people are lying or not. You can smell someone and tell by their odor whether they're lying. You thought you hated your job. O.K.?" -- Jay Leno
"Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to all charges and is now in jail. That's it. It's been a really busy day for him. He got an orange jumpsuit. He met his new cell mate. And he's converted to Islam." -- Jimmy Fallon
"Sarah Palin's teenage daughter, Bristol, she broke up with her fiance, Levi Johnston. Yeah. But today they announced they're recording a duet together." -- Jimmy Fallon
"The journalist who threw his shoes at George Bush was convicted on Thursday in an Iraqi court. He was sentenced to three years of non-stop high-fives." -- Jimmy Fallon
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