"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson
"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon
"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama attended an early Cinco de Mayo event at the White House yesterday, but he mistakenly greeted guests with the phrase, Welcome to Cinco de Cuatro, which means five of four. Maybe it's the White House itself that makes people dumb." --Jimmy Kimmel
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