"We had a lousy audience last night. You couldn't tell if they were laughing at the jokes or if they were being tickled by New York Congressman Massa." –David Letterman
"He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?" -David Letterman
"Massa goes on the Glenn Beck show and he says that he was having a birthday party tickling his staff. And he said one guy couldn't breathe, he was tickling him so hard. And then Dick Cheney said, 'Well, we should have done that at Gitmo.'" –David Letterman
"So now this Congressman Eric Massa is claiming that he was bullied in a gym by Rahm Emanuel. The President's guy is bullying him in a gym, naked. And I know you are thinking to yourselves, 'Well gee, thanks a lot, Dave, for searing that image into our brains because that's something we'll carry for a long time right there.'" –David Letterman
"He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?" –David Letterman
"Barbie's birthday. Did you know that? And if you don't know Barbie let me just tell you. She is the pretty, plastic doll who didn't run with John McCain." –David Letterman
"Former President Bush, George W. Bush, is now writing a book about his eight years in the White House. And it's green. It's entirely made out of old Al Gore ballots. So that will be a keepsake for you there." –David Letterman
"A lot of anticipation about the new book that George Bush is writing. But don't worry, it'll also be available in English." –David Letterman
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