Jay Leno Jokes about North Korea and Bristol Palin

"North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama." –Jay Leno

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." –Jay Leno

Jimmy Fallon Political Jokes about Bristol Palin

"The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' just shot a PSA with Bristol Palin about safe sex and abstinence. Wait, they wanted to do a PSA about not having sex and getting pregnant and they chose The Situation and Bristol Palin? Who's doing their anti-drug campaign, Lindsay Lohan?" —Jimmy Fallon


"George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction." —Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's picture book for kids is coming out. That's when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book." —Jimmy Fallon

"Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my term.'" —Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel Jokes on Bristol Palin and President Clinton

"A guy was so upset with Bristol Palin on 'Dancing With the Stars' that he shot his TV set with a shotgun. You would think a guy with a shotgun tucked between his couch cushions would be a Palin supporter." —Jimmy Kimmel

"President Clinton is in Thailand and he just shot a cameo in the new movie the 'Hangover 2.' He was in Thailand giving a speech. He stopped by the set. You see that, he's not a letch. Turns out all these years he's just been preparing for a role. He's a method actor. Thailand movie set, bachelor party, what could possibly go wrong? Hillary must be delighted. 'You did what in Thailand?'" —Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel Jokes about Bristol Palin

One of Obama's childhood friends said he was chubby and ran like a duck. I think that proves he's not Kenyan. That's as American as it gets." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin has made it to the semi-finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.' I'm not saying she's going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for it's going all the way." —Jimmy Fallon

"What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the 'with the.' I wouldn't have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not." —Jimmy Kimmel

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Jimmy Kimmel Jokes about Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O'Donnell. Nobody knows what Christine O'Donnell does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." —Jimmy Kimmel

"When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's." —Jimmy Kimmel

"We need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you'll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." —Jimmy Kimmel

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Jimmy Kimmel Jokes About Obama, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston

"President Obama had a 24-hour vacation on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Some Republicans are attacking him for not staying longer. They have a point. President Bush used to vacation for weeks at a time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was there to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have reaching a custody agreement. Neither of them is allowed to say anything bad about the other parent or the other parent’s family in front of Tripp. So basically nobody is allowed to speak in front of Tripp." –Jimmy Kimmel
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David Letterman Political Jokes Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston

"Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He's marrying Bristol Palin. They're getting married, that's exciting. He'll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin's pickup." –David Letterman

"Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special." –David Letterman

"Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell." –David Letterman
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