"President Obama's enjoying himself. He's having his vacation in Martha's Vineyard all week. So far — this is what the news says — so far, he's played tennis, golf; he's gone swimming. Now it's rumored he may play a game of bocce ball. It's true. In other words, America is still waiting for its first black president." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies." --Conan O'Brien
"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien
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