Political Jokes from Jay Leno 9:23:09

"Thank you all for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 104? … It was so hot today, John Edwards promised his mistress he would marry her on top of an igloo with Ice Cube playing." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. His opening line was, 'Some of you may recognize me from my appearances on television.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, in his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Experts say if Obama continues at this rate, next week he will eclipse Regis." --Jay Leno

"And Iranian leader Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job, he's in New York this week. Boy, he's really grumpy. I guess the movie on the flight over from Iran was 'Schindler's List.' And he just didn't like that." --Jay Leno

"And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?" --Jay Leno

"He talked so long, even Joe Biden went, 'Enough!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, this terror stuff is back in the news. Earlier today, the feds issued a new terror alert. They said terrorists are looking at hitting successful entertainment centers, so you folks at NBC are perfectly safe." --Jay Leno

"Well, I'm sure you heard about this story. Officials have charged three men born in Afghanistan in this terror probe. An official says much of the evidence gathered was suggestive of a plot to attack buses or trains. How scary is that? Imagine terrorists being able to blow up an Amtrak train before it has a chance to run off the embankment on its own." --Jay Leno

"And they said if a bomb went off in the LA subway system, it could affect up to three people." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, this terror suspect who was arrested in Colorado that was charged with detailed plans on how to make the bomb - here's my favorite part. The guy said he downloaded the plans to make the bomb off the Internet by mistake. Oh, shut up, that's the porn excuse! Wives don't even buy that! Shut up!" --Jay Leno

"And according to a front page story in the LA Times, the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless, of course, they happen to see the front page of the L.A. Times." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this? A dinner with Sarah Palin just sold on eBay for $64,000. Meanwhile, John McCain got the prime rib and baked potato for only $4.99 at Caro's." --Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin gave a speech today in Hong Kong. She was very tough on President Obama. She attacked President Obama on foreign soil. Well, I'm sure the people that went after the Dixie Chicks will be going after her right now." --Jay Leno

"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno
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David Letterman Political jokes-South Carolina Joe Wilson

"During President Obama's speech, a congressman heckled him. This guy from South Carolina begins to heckle the guy, and I thought, OK, so now Gov. Mark Sanford is the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina" --David Letterman

"John McCain, here's a guy who's seen it all, he was shocked. He said he hasn't seen anything like this since Aaron Burr heckled Alexander Hamilton." --David Letterman

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, also shocked. At least that's what she said. You can't tell because her face doesn't move." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'" --David Letterman


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Friday Night Conan O'Brien Political Jokes

"President Obama's enjoying himself. He's having his vacation in Martha's Vineyard all week. So far — this is what the news says — so far, he's played tennis, golf; he's gone swimming. Now it's rumored he may play a game of bocce ball. It's true. In other words, America is still waiting for its first black president." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien
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Funny Political Jokes From Conan O'Brien

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain says he's been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he's been Twittering on his garage door opener." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our 'great allies.' He went on to say, 'Except, of course, for any time we've ever been to war.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. It's been reported that Saddam Hussein's gun will be on display in George W. Bush's presidential library. Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book." --Conan O'Brien

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The 25 Dumbest Quotes of 2008-Idiotic Political Quotes

25. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." —President George W. Bush, in an interview with the Jerusalem Post, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

24. "I've now been in 57 states — I think one left to go." —Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon, May 9, 2008

23. "[T]hey're in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom." —Sarah Palin, getting the vice president's constitutional role wrong after being asked by a third grader what the vice president does, interview with NBC affiliate KUSA in Colorado, Oct. 21, 2008



22. "There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one." —John McCain, referring to Barack Obama during the second presidential debate, Nashville, Tennessee, Oct. 7, 2008

21. "Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya." —Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008

20. "When I was in college, we used to take a popcorn popper, because that was the only thing they would let us use in the dorm, and we would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper in the dorm room." —Mick Huckabee, interview on MSNBC's "Morning Joe," Jan. 16, 2008

19. "See, Barack's been talking down to black people on this faith-based...I want to cut his nuts off." —Jesse Jackson, caught on an open mic whispering to a colleague about Barack Obama, whom he was criticizing for lecturing African Americans about taking more responsibility for raising children, July 6, 2008

18. "We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." —Hillary Clinton, rejecting calls for her to drop out of the Democratic presidential race, citing the 1968 assassination of Robert F. Kennedy as evidence that the lengthy Democratic nominating process was not unprecedented, interview with the editorial board of South Dakota's Sioux Falls Argus-Leader, May 23, 2008

17. "I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody." —Barack Obama, defending his tax plan to Joe the Plumber, who argued that Obama's policy hurts small-business owners like himself, Toledo, Ohio, Oct. 12, 2008

16. (tie) "So?" —Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008

And:

"So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008

15. "For the first time in my adult lifetime I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change." —Michelle Obama, Madison, Wisconsin, Feb. 18, 2008

14. "You know, I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most god-loving, most, most patriotic part of America, and this is a great part of the country." —John McCain Moon Township, Penn., Oct. 21, 2008

13. "Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me." –John McCain, to a questioner who asked if he supported President Bush's vision for keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for 50 years, Derry, New Hampshire, Jan. 3, 2008

12. "We have sort of become a nation of whiners." —McCain economic adviser Phil Gramm, on worries about the slumping economy, adding that the current downturn is a "mental recession," Washington Times interview, July 9, 2008

11. "Can I explain to you what happened? First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer." —former Sen. John Edwards, on cheating on his wife, ABC News interview, Aug. 8, 2008

10. "I think — I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you." —John McCain after being asked how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own, interview with Politico, Las Cruces, N.M., Aug. 20, 2008

9. "Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me." —Joe Biden, speaking at a town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, Sept. 10, 2008

8. "We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." —Sarah Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in Greensoboro, N.C., Oct. 16, 2008

7. "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

6. "It's not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations." –Barack Obama, speaking at a San Francisco fundraiser about his troubles winning over some small-town, working-class voters, April 11, 2008

5. "Well, let's see. There's — of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but —" —Sarah Palin, unable to name a Supreme Court decision she disagreed with other than Roe vs. Wade, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008

4. "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base." –Hillary Clinton on visiting Bosnia in 1996, contradicting other accounts that said there was no threat of gunfire. Clinton later said she "misspoke"

3. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." —Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008

2. "I'm just not giving it up for f***in' nothing. I'm not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there." ... "Give this motherf****r Obama his senator? F**k him. For nothing. F**k him.'" —Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, recorded in a federal wiretap trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. The day before his arrest, he invited authorities to tape his conversations, saying there is "nothing but sunshine hanging over me."

1. "Our economy, I think, is still — the fundamentals of our economy are strong." —John McCain, Jacksonville, Fla., Sept. 15, 2008

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MadTv-John McCain Ad/Barack Obama Ad

Very Funny-MadTv-John McCain Ad/Barack Obama Ad
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MadTv-John McCain Ad/Barack Obama Ad



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COMPARE THE CANDIDATES

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John McCain Supporter Mugging Hoax-FOXNEWS Claims This Will Lead To McCain's Defeat!

Fox News Declares McCain Campaign ‘Over’ Due to Mugging Hoax

Yep, she made the whole thing up. Ashley Todd, the 20-year-old white McCain volunteer who claimed she was attacked in a Pittsburgh parking lot by a large black man yesterday, then further claimed he carved "B" into her cheek because apparently the sight of her McCain paraphernalia set him into an uncontrollable pro–Barack Obama rage, has confessed that she fabricated the entire story, a Pittsburgh news station reports. We can't say this is exactly surprising, considering that (a) the "B" on her cheek was backward, implying she did it herself in a mirror, (b) earlier today, police said that her statements were inconsistent and asked her to take a polygraph test, and (c) it was evident from her blog and MySpace page that she was kind of a loon. However! What is surprising is that Fox News, of all places, has declared this incident and the publicity surrounding it the final nail in the coffin of the McCain campaign. From Fox executive vice-president John Moody's blog, earlier today:

…this incident could become a watershed event in the 11 days before the election. If Ms. Todd’s allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee. If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain’s quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting.
Amazing. Not since The Crucible have the lies of a virtual teenage girl been able to bring a man down so thoroughly.

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Man angry when he saw a McCain bumper sticker on woman's car - Punched, kicked, cut

Man angry when he saw a McCain bumper sticker on woman's car - Punched, kicked, cut letter "B" into woman's face
PITTSBURGH -- A 20-year-old woman who was robbed at an ATM in Bloomfield was also maimed by her attacker, police said. Richard said the robber took $60 from the woman, then became angry when he saw a McCain bumper sticker on the victim's car. The attacker then punched and kicked the victim, before using the knife to scratch the letter "B" into her face, Richard said. The robber is described as a dark-skinned black man, 6 feet 4 inches tall, 200 pounds with a medium build, short black hair and brown eyes. The man was wearing dark colored jeans, a black undershirt and black shoes. More...

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John McCain's Age Card Confused!

John McCain's Age CardConfused? Forgetting what you stand for? Sleeping on the job? You need the Age Card.
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John McCain's Age CardConfused? Forgetting what you stand for? Sleeping on the job? You need the Age Card.


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Funny Political Pic-The American Gladiators-Hillary,Obama and McCain

I love this pic, Obama, McCain and Hillary!
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Funny Political Pics-John McCain As Rambo

"My Friends i will hunt down the Vietnamese, i mean the terrorist and kill them!"
World War 3 Is Coming!

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John McCain knows how to reach across the isle! Look back at the Keating 5 Saving and Loans Scandal!

Ok, the Presidential debates are over, but i can't get a couple of John McCain's catch phrases out of my head like "I am A Maverick" and " I have been Known To Reach Across The isle".

Well, McCain seems to make these phrases the cornerstone of his campaign and nothing shows a better example of that than " The Keating 5 Scandal" of 1989.

The Keating Five were five United States Senators accused of corruption in 1989, igniting a major political scandal as part of the larger Savings and Loan crisis of the late 1980s and early 1990s.

The five senators, Alan Cranston (D-CA), Dennis DeConcini (D-AZ), John Glenn (D-OH), John McCain (R-AZ), and Donald W. Riegle (D-MI), were accused of improperly intervening in 1987 on behalf of Charles H. Keating, Jr., chairman of the Lincoln Savings and Loan Association, which was the target of a regulatory investigation by the Federal Home Loan Bank Board (FHLBB).

The FHLBB subsequently backed off taking action against Lincoln.

Lincoln Savings and Loan collapsed in 1989, at a cost of over $3 billion to the federal government.

Some 23,000 Lincoln bondholders were defrauded and many elderly investors lost their life savings. The substantial political contributions that Keating had made to each of the senators, totalling $1.3 million, attracted considerable public and media attention. After a lengthy investigation, the Senate Ethics Committee determined in 1991 that Alan Cranston, Dennis DeConcini, and Donald Riegle had substantially and improperly interfered with the FHLBB in its investigation of Lincoln Savings, with Cranston receiving a formal reprimand. Senators John Glenn and John McCain were cleared of having acted improperly but were criticized for having exercised "poor judgment".

All five of the senators involved served out their terms. Only Glenn and McCain ran for re-election, and they both succeeded. McCain would go on to become the Republican nominee for president in 2008.

Now that is some great partisan leadership! To reach across the isle and being the only Republican involved with this scandal is proof that John McCain is not scared to work with the Democrats.

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Joe The Plumber Has No License! John McCain shouldn't pal around with plumbers without licenses!

HOLLAND, Ohio — Joe the Plumber said Thursday he doesn't have a license and doesn't need one.

Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, the nickname Republican John McCain bestowed on him during Wednesday's presidential debate, said he works for a small plumbing company that does residential work. Because he works for someone else, he doesn't need a license, he said.



Wurzelbacher, who voted in the Republican primary and indicated he backed McCain, was cited by the GOP presidential candidate as an example of someone who wants to buy a plumbing business but would be hurt by Democrat Barack Obama's tax plans. Wurzelbacher said he was surprised that his name was mentioned so many other times.

me. I wished that they had talked more about issues that are important to Americans," he told reporters gathered outside his home.

Wurzelbacher, 34, said he doesn't have a good plan put together on how he would buy Newell Plumbing and Heating in nearby Toledo.

He said the business consists of owner Al Newell and him. Wurzelbacher said he's worked there for six years and that the two have talked about his taking it over at some point.

"There's a lot I've got to learn," he said.

Wurzelbacher said he started his day with an early morning workout and came back to his suburban Toledo home to do live interviews with TV networks.

Reporters camped out by his house overnight and by midmorning there were 21 people

on his driveway surrounding him, holding cameras and notebooks.

Wurzelbacher said he's feeling overwhelmed.

"I'm kind of like Britney Spears having a headache. Everybody wants to know about it," he joked.

In Toledo on Sunday, Wurzelbacher told Obama that he was preparing to buy the plumbing company, which earns more than $250,000 a year, and said: "Your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn't it?"

Obama said that under his proposal taxes on any revenue from $250,000 on down would stay the same, but that amounts above that level would be subject to a 39 percent tax, instead of the current 36 percent rate.

Wurzelbacher said Obama's tax plan wouldn't affect him right now, because he doesn't make $250,000. "But I hope someday I'll make that," he said.

"If you believed (Obama), I'd be receiving his tax cuts," Wurzelbacher said. "But I don't look at it that way. He'd still be hurting others."

As he leaned against the Dodge Durango SUV parked in his driveway Thursday morning, Wurzelbacher indicated to reporters who crowded around that he was a conservative, a fan of the military and McCain. He said meeting McCain would be an honor but said he hadn't been contacted by the Republican campaign.

Still, the plumber wouldn't say who he was voting for and brushed off a question about whether he could influence the election or other voters.

"I don't have a lot of pull. It's not like I'm Matt Damon," Wurzelbacher said.

"I just hope I'm not making too much of a fool of myself," he added.
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McCain Supports get Sick with Halloween Display! Obama and The KKK

Halloween display: Democratic backer sends message by showing McCain, in KKK robe, chasing Obama

CATHARINE - Ron Havens has a reputation for provocative Halloween displays that reflect his strong political views. But even Havens was pretty sure his latest effort was over the top. That didn't stop him from setting it up in plain sight anyway. Havens, who lives on Schuyler County Route 15 (Ridge Road) just south of Odessa, this week set up a Halloween display featuring mannequins that look like Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and Republican rival John McCain. But the Obama figure looks like he is running, and the McCain likeness is dressed in the hooded robe of the Ku Klux Klan and is carrying a baseball bat....article

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Burning McCain campaign sign - Is this a hate crime?

Portland - The presidential campaign got a little too hot for two Portland men who were arrest early Saturday morning, Oct. 11, and charged with burning a John McCain campaign sign in Southeast Portland. Portland Fire and Rescue investigators said the two men made a Molotov cocktail and threw it at the sign in the 7900 block of Southeast 17th Avenue....Article

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McCain Says Obama's Actual First Name is ‘That'

Raises Fresh Questions about Senator One

In his latest attempt to raise questions about his Democratic rival for president, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) told a crowd in Ohio today that Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) has been lying about his name being "Barack" and that his actual first name is "That."


"The Senator from Illinois should stop calling himself ‘Barack Obama' when his real name is ‘That One,'" Sen. McCain said. "My friends, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves: what kind of first name is ‘That'?"

The Arizona senator made his latest allegation about Sen. Obama in the hopes of fueling doubts among undecided voters who may be uncomfortable voting for a candidate with a foreign-sounding name like "That."

"Where on earth do people name their children ‘That'?" Sen. McCain asked, prompting a member of the audience to shout back, "Terrorist places!"

GOP strategist Carol Foyler said that Sen. McCain was "not fear-baiting" by raising the issue of Senator One's unusual first name.

"This is about honesty, not about someone having a weird name," said Ms. Foyler, who worked this year for former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

A CNN/Time poll of likely voters taken today appeared to indicate that Sen. McCain's latest tactic could be working, at least by injecting some confusion into the presidential race.

When asked if they would vote for a presidential candidate named "That," 97% of respondents answered, "What?"

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McCain's Treasury pick would put everything on Ebay!

At the debate, John McCain says he favors ex-eBay CEO Meg Whitman for Secretary of the Treasury. Which would make Whitman the first Treasury Secretary in history to administer financial, economic and PayPal policy. Since McCain promises smaller government, no new taxes and the private sector assuming government functions, he would no doubt encourage Secretary Whitman to combine her new place of business and her old one into one big on-line government service: TreasuryBay.
Read more to see John McCains Ebay List!



John McCains Ebay List!




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