"Cold outside right now. And I'm not a weatherman, but they say this frigid weather is coming off a cold front between New York Gov. David Paterson and Caroline Kennedy. That's causing a frost." --David Letterman
"Out in the Midwest, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was so cold he was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer." --David Letterman
"Scary moment for Gov. Blagojevich earlier today. Several geese were sucked into his hair." --David Letterman
"Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts' office today when he screwed up the words to 'Happy Birthday.'" --David Letterman
"Well, it looks like that prison, that detention center, in Guantanamo Bay is being closed. And people say, 'Well, what are you going to do with all those folks who are down there, all those suspected terrorists and thugs and goons and nasty, awful people?' We're going to bring them up here to the Ed Sullivan Theater and put them in the audience." --David Letterman
"But listen to this. They're closing Guantanamo. That's how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That's how bad the economy is. You know it's tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off." --David Letterman
"How about the Obama family in the White House? Have you seen them? The kids? The Obama girls love living in the White House. They think it's fantastic. There was just one complaint that the girls had about living in the White House. They claim that there's a portrait of Dick Cheney on the wall, and they claim the eyes in that portrait actually move." --David Letterman
"But that's not all. At midnight, the Obama girls hear creepy organ music coming from Cheney's dungeon." --David Letterman
"But Dick Cheney, you've got to give him credit. He's enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey." --David Letterman
"Actually, Cheney is relaxing at his ranch, the Triple Bypass." --David Letterman
"And listen to this. It's an amazing thing, but after eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?" --David Letterman
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