Jay Leno Jokes About debt deal

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

Funny Political Jokes From David Letterman

"Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel." --David Letterman

"Oh, man, did you see the PGA Championship over the weekend? Tiger Woods never lost a major when he's been leading, you know, halfway through the dang tournament. And then this kid, Y.E. Yang, comes along and he defeats him. And I felt bad for Tiger. He was upset. He was upset. As a matter of fact, Obama had been watching the contest. He knows that he is upset. So he invited Tiger and Yang to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Did you see Hillary Clinton? There was videotape of her in Africa at a press conference and somebody asks her something and she gets angry. Did you see that? Well, now they're talking to her husband, Bill Clinton, and he says that he had not seen the press conference and had not seen the videotape of the press conference. And I'm thinking, I bet this guy's got a pretty good idea of what Hillary's like when she's angry." --David Letterman

"The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that." --David Letterman

"And then Obama was in Mexico the previous week. And he met with a group of North American leaders. And afterwards he laid a wreath at the grave of the Taco Bell Chihuahua." --David Letterman

"You know what? It's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Did you realize that at the original Woodstock, Dick Cheney was there, later Vice President Dick Cheney. Yeah, he was there hunting hippies." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Madonna -- 51 years old on Saturday. And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her." --David Letterman
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Funny Political Quotes

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman

It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
-- Andrew Jackson

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln

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Funny Political Jokes From Conan O'Brien

"Nice vote of confidence for President Obama this weekend. John McCain, of all people, said that President Obama has 'done well' during his first few months in office. In fact, McCain's so proud of Obama, he sent him a card with a five dollar bill inside." --Conan O'Brien

"More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. And to disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons and the NBC primetime lineup." --Conan O'Brien

"Some experts are saying the Iranian election was rigged because in some towns, voter turnout was more than 100%. What's even stranger, all those extra votes were from elderly Jewish people in Palm Beach, Florida." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like 'low tar' and 'light.' The tobacco companies said from now on they'll label their low tar cigarettes as 'less cancerific.'" --Conan O'Brien

Funny Political-Conan Gets Shout-Out from Obama on Tonight Show

President Obama surprised The Tonight Show audience with a special message declaring that Conan O'Brien will do an "outstanding job" as the show's new host.

Conan aired a clip from NBC's "Inside the White House" special, in which Brian Williams asked if Obama had almost canceled his overseas trip this week to stay and watch Conan's debut as host of The Tonight Show.

A deadpan Obama replied, "This is something we discussed several times in the Oval Office, how to manage this transition between Leno and Conan. And I think he's up to the task. But I just want him to know that there is not going to any bailout coming out from Washington if he screws it up."




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A Political Roast With Funny Political Late Night Jokes-1/22/09

Jan. 22, 2009

"It was announced today they're coming out with an official Inauguration Day DVD. Listen to this, it's going to contain a lot of extras, including the Supreme Court Justice John Roberts blooper reel. You don't want to miss this." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It'll shut down." --Jay Leno

"He's really getting tough. Yesterday, President Obama issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists, any gifts to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, today they went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon installed in Dick Cheney's office." --Jay Leno

"Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama's president, Michael Jackson said he's thinking about being black again." --Jay Leno

"And while Barack Obama was in the inaugural parade the other day, he was wearing what the Secret Service called a bullet-resistant suit. Did you see that? The suit was made out of what they call 'bullet resistant material.' You know, here's my question, the man's the president. Spend a couple of bucks, go the extra yard, get the 'bullet proof' suit. Okay?" --Jay Leno

"On President Bush's flight back to Texas on Tuesday, they showed a video of his accomplishments. So, apparently he didn't fly over New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency, after vice president, speaker of the house, and president pro-temp of the Senate, she is next. Which means they're going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the house, and senate pro-temp of the Senate." --Jay Leno

"Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton's vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She's out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out 'cause of tax issues. The good news, she's still eligible to be treasury secretary." --Jay Leno

"Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That's big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour." --Conan O'Brien


"Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It's cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary."

"President Obama's chief of staff has ordered federal agencies to freeze funding on a lot of projects that President Bush tried to push through in his final days. Yeah, so, for now, the National Scooby-Doo Museum remains a distant dream. That's not happening. Bush heard. He was like, 'Rut roh!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Obama had to have the oath of office re-administered by Chief Justice Roberts. You may remember, the first time they did it, it didn't take, because they were both really drunk and screwed it up. Roberts mixed up some of the words, so yesterday, they decided to redo it, just to be safe. And this is why you need to get Regis for this stuff, because Regis doesn't screw things up. If Regis delivered the oath, it would have been absolutely perfect. No?" --Jimmy Kimmel

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Funny Political Video-Joe Biden tells paraplegic Senator to stand up Chuck!

Joe Biden, campaigning for the Democrats, selected a few Senators for praise. He was in front of State Senator Chuck Graham. Joe Biden saw Chuck Graham seated in his wheelchair. Joe Biden then said, “Stand up Chuck.”