Bill Maher Joke About debt deal

"We finally got a debt deal. It's a jobs killer. It'll bring back the recession. It didn't do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, 'I got shot in the head for this?'" –Bill Maher

"John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack." –Bill Maher

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"There are consequences to voting for economic terrorists. There's a rumor that Joe Biden called the Republicans terrorists this week. And they were furious about this. They were so upset about being called terrorists, they went out and took the FAA hostage." –Bill Maher

"The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF." –Bill Maher

"I don't want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday Barack Obama had a birthday. Or as Republicans call it, Kwanzaa. I don't know how much you know about Barack Obama, but he was briefly president of the United States, and yesterday he turned 50, although if Republicans insist, he is will to be 52." –Bill Maher

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." –Bill Maher

"The only way they’re going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherf**kers." –Bill Maher (Watch video clip)

"So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party." –Bill Maher

"That’s right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey… And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU, Greenpeace and MoveOn.org. Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?" –Bill Maher

"Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas." –Bill Maher

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Charlie Sheen

"

created a Twitter account to fill the gap between saying crazy things on television with saying crazy things online." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Charlie's two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

Bill Maher Joke About Snooki,Palin and Republicans

"Why are we listening to a reality TV star anyway? That's all she is. Can I check in with Snooki and the Kate Moss?" –Bill Maher

"Palin has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location." –Bill Maher

"John Boehner skipped the memorial to attend a fundraising cocktail party. He said it's not that he doesn't care, just that it was sad and he's one of those men who's uncomfortable showing emotions in public." –Bill Maher

"A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change." –Bill Maher

"Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – 'Dancing with the Stars,' and now prison – somebody must tell him there are easier ways to have sex with men." –Bill Maher

Smart Investing Joke

Smart Investing

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

Jokes About Barack Obama by Jay Leno

''Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'' —Jay Leno

''How many watched the President's news conference last night? He got a little testy there, you know. When he was asked why he waited three days to speak out against the AIG bonuses, President Obama said he likes to know what he's talking about before he speaks. So, yet another reversal of the Bush policies.'' —Jay Leno

''You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.'' —Jay Leno

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Jay Leno Political Health Care Joke

"According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." –Jay Leno

"They're now looking into whether cosmic rays from outer space could be responsible for causing Priuses to accelerate. What, is Toyota blaming Klingons now?" –Jay Leno

"Here's something amazing: A North Carolina jury, this week, awarded $9 million to a jilted wife, from the other woman. The other woman has to pay $9 million to the wife for breaking up her marriage. Wait, do you realize how historic this is? Guys, for the first time in history, women are agreeing it's not the guy's fault. It's her fault! This is what men have been saying for years. Poor John Edwards. He was tricked." –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter