Bill Maher Funny Political Jokes

"Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow." –Bill Maher

"And you know what, if he did smother Castro with a pillow in a nurse's uniform, Rush Limbaugh would say, 'See, socialized medicine.'" –Bill Maher

"They found Gaddafi in a hole with a gun and luggage, or as it's known here, the middle class." –Bill Maher

"They say now that Gaddafi is dead and Michael Jackson is gone, we have enough over-the-top military uniforms to outfit an entire gay army." –Bill Maher


"The end of the war in Libya is good news for Obama and good news for Michele Bachmann. Now she doesn't have to find out where it is." –Bill Maher

"These Republicans, they will not give credit. They gave credit to the rebels, to the British, and to the French. But they would not mention the president. It was like they were on a game show and the password was 'Obama.' They're like the banks; they will not give a black man credit." –Bill Maher, on Gaddafi's death

“In their world, Gaddafi died of natural causes, Bin Laden was shot in the face by the free market. You should've heard them, we went in too strong, everything they could’ve said that he did wrong. It's like there’s some kind of hidden Republican clitoris, that they won’t let Obama find, and whenever he tries, they're like 'that’s not it!'" –Bill Maher

"I'm guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there's crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they're happy to come home anyway." –Bill Maher

Bill Maher Joke About Rick Perry and Sarah Palin

“Are you watching these debates? Yes, the politicians are bad, but the people who egg them on. There are these crowds cheering for executions, cheering for letting people without health insurance die. In today’s Republican party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: Christian. ... These are Christians? They prefer to be called a faith-based lynch mob.” –Bill Maher

“Wolf Blitzer asked Ron Paul what should we do about someone who is 30 years old, doesn’t have health insurance, and goes into a comma, and might die. And Ron Paul said something about, 'Well, I miss the old days when people just took care of each other.' Well, that’s good news. If you're in Texas and get hit by a bus, a nun will put leeches on your forehead." –Bill Maher

“Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.” –Bill Maher

“Four people in Texas got botulism from black tar heroin. And Michele Bachmann said, ‘Thank God at least it wasn’t a vaccination.” –Bill Maher

“There's a big fight within the Republican party because of Rick Perry’s decision to give girls the HPV vaccine, which the right wing hates because it's a mandate. Republicans hate the word mandate almost as much as they hate an actual man date.” –Bill Maher

“Protecting young girls from cervical cancer? Rick Perry left himself vulnerable to charges of having a tiny speck of humanity, which is very bad for a Republican candidate. So he announced a new policy for Texas. For every child who gets the HPV vaccine, he will execute two Mexicans.” –Bill Maher

“After the debate where the HPV issue came up, Michele Bachmann said she had a discussion with a woman who came to her and said that her daughter had taken the vaccine and had become mentally retarded. And Michele Bachmann said, 'Mom?'" –Bill Maher

“Rick Perry said, 'I only took $5,000 from Merck. Are you saying I can be bought for $5,000? I'm offended.’ This is how degraded our politics are. How dare you call me a cheap whore. I will have you know I'm a high-priced whore.” –Bill Maher

“A new book came out about Sarah Palin b

y Joe McGinnis. He claims some unbelievable, outrageous things about Sarah Palin – like she smoked pot, she snorted coke off an oil drum, she had an affair with her husband’s business partner, she had a thing for black men and f**ked NBA star Glenn Rice. And his most amazing, outrageous claim? That in 2008 some nitwit tried to make her vice president.” –Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin doing cocaine? That’s ridiculous. That stuff can make you yammer like an imbecile.” –Bill Maher

“By the way, this guy who apparently had sex with her in 1997, NBA star Glenn Rice. Glenn, if you're watching, a little advice for you. Next time you f**k someone's brains out, put them back in.” –Bill Maher

Bill Maher Joke About debt deal

"We finally got a debt deal. It's a jobs killer. It'll bring back the recession. It didn't do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, 'I got shot in the head for this?'" –Bill Maher

"John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack." –Bill Maher

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"There are consequences to voting for economic terrorists. There's a rumor that Joe Biden called the Republicans terrorists this week. And they were furious about this. They were so upset about being called terrorists, they went out and took the FAA hostage." –Bill Maher

"The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF." –Bill Maher

"I don't want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday Barack Obama had a birthday. Or as Republicans call it, Kwanzaa. I don't know how much you know about Barack Obama, but he was briefly president of the United States, and yesterday he turned 50, although if Republicans insist, he is will to be 52." –Bill Maher

"Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican." –Bill Maher

"The only way they’re going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherf**kers." –Bill Maher (Watch video clip)

"So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party." –Bill Maher

"That’s right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey… And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU, Greenpeace and MoveOn.org. Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?" –Bill Maher

"Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas." –Bill Maher

Bill Maher on Weiner

"There a giant fire burning in Arizona, the biggest fire ever in the history of the state … I'm not saying these two things are connected, but a few weeks ago Sarah Palin moved to Arizona, and then the state burst into flames." –Bill Maher

"I feel bad for Sarah. She heard all the alarms and sirens and she figured the British were coming." –Bill Maher

"People keep asking me if Sarah Palin is running for President. How the f*** do I know? What am I, the idiot whisperer?" –Bill Maher

"We don't even need Sarah Palin for comedy in this presidential election because yesterday Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Did you see this? His entire staff quite en masse because they had a little disagreement about strategy. You see, Newt entered the race three weeks ago, and then his staff got mad at him because he spent the last two weeks campaigning in the wrong country. The last two weeks he's been on a yacht touring the Greek Island, stopping only at Tiffany's on his mission to warn America that Obama is an elitist." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to you, Congressman Weiner, there is now a new low in what passes for a sex scandal. JFK got Marilyn Monroe. John Edwards got a love child. You got mail." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Newt Gingrich, just stop. Seriously, your campaign isn’t just off to a rocky start; it’s like you hired me to run it and I purposely ran it into the ground. Let me put your popularity into context for you. You are a Republican and you’re polling behind a black man (Herman Cain)." –Bill Maher

Bill Maher Joke About Snooki,Palin and Republicans

"Why are we listening to a reality TV star anyway? That's all she is. Can I check in with Snooki and the Kate Moss?" –Bill Maher

"Palin has now agreed to be the keynote speaker next month at a hunter’s convention in Las Vegas. Uh, Siegfried and Roy, if you’re listening, I would put those tigers in an undisclosed location." –Bill Maher

"John Boehner skipped the memorial to attend a fundraising cocktail party. He said it's not that he doesn't care, just that it was sad and he's one of those men who's uncomfortable showing emotions in public." –Bill Maher

"A lot of the Republicans, I must say, I give it up to them, they applauded Obama's speech. Some of them said, I swear to God, it was too good, said it was just a little too good. They said, if you want us to love a black man with a golden voice, he'd better be a homeless guy, begging for change." –Bill Maher

"Since Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – 'Dancing with the Stars,' and now prison – somebody must tell him there are easier ways to have sex with men." –Bill Maher

Jon Stewart Comments about Cable News reaction to The Rally To Restore Sanity

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Bill Maher Christine O'Donnell Political Jokes

"What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch." —Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell is behind, but I don't think it's the witch stuff. I think it's because of her anti-masturbation stance. She's very serious about that, and you know people in Delaware are going, 'Come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?'" —Bill Maher

"Here in California we also have a bit of a scandal. Jerry Brown was leaving a message on somebody's phone line and he thought he hung up, but he didn't. And then you can hear somebody say, 'Meg Whitman is a whore.' You know, some candidates have trouble with the Internet, Facebook, or Twitter. Jerry is still getting the hang of the phone." —Bill Maher

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Bill Maher Jokes about Christine O'Donnell

"Christine O'Donnell hates masturbation, which is ironic because she owes her nomination to a bunch of jackoffs." —Bill Maher

"She said that during the primary, 'I heard the audible voice of God, and he said one word: 'credibility.' Which is interesting, because she has no job, there's a lien placed on her home, and she's using campaign funds for her living expenses. Her platform is about bringing fiscal responsibility to Washington, but God said 'credibility.' I think what God should have said was, 'Shut up and get a vibrator.'" —Bill Maher

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Bill Maher Political Jokes about BP

"There is good news! BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information." –Bill Maher

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

"The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore." –Bill Maher

"Certainly there's no good news for Gulf business owners. They've been trying to get BP to process their claims. BP today said that they're on the way. These are the two big lies in life, remember? The check is in the mail, and I won't spurt in your gulf." –Bill Maher

"They got Helen Thomas on tape saying the Jews should get out of Palestine. Yeah, not good, she had to quit. On the bright side, Hezbollah Magazine put her on the cover of their 'Women We Love' issue." –Bill Maher

"This week we had primaries and they say this is 'The Year of the Woman.' The women dominated. As opposed to the last election cycle, which was 'The Year of the Closeted Gay Republican.'" –Bill Maher

"Here in California, Meg Whitman is going to the governor nominee from the Republican side. She's the former CEO of eBay. She said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want." –Bill Maher

"John McCain is in love with Snooki – Snooki, you know, from Jersey Shore. Snooki was complaining in her Tweets that she does not like being taxed, as the Obama health care plan does, on her tanning bed. And McCain Tweeted back, 'I would never tax your tanning bed.' I think this is so sweet. She has a new best friend, he has his next vice president." –Bill Maher
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Bill Maher Political Jokes

"President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher." –Bill Maher

"At the end of the day, the Republicans proved they are not the party of. They're the party of 'F**k no!'" –Bill Maher

"Being politicians you know, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother’s battle with cancer. And Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain's told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign." –Bill Maher

"At the end of all of this, Obama says, he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they're not that into you. Obama’s like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres." –Bill Maher

"Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The Angel of Duh himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart…" –Bill Maher

"The Olympic Games were fun, but there were some high-profile mistakes, come on. Admit it. Like the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge." –Bill MaherFollow On Twitter

Bill Maher Political Jokes

"Did you see what happened to Rush Limbaugh? St. Louis Rams and they wouldn't let him. He said this was a dream he had, to some day own black people." --Bill Maher

"The Dow hit 10,000 this week, everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so excited, they took to the streets to celebrate, which is easy because so many of them live there." --Bill Maher
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Political Jokes From Bill Maher on 9:18:09

"This guy Max Baucus comes out with this bill, it's everything you would want in a reform bill, except, you know, reform. It is a watered-down, ineffectual blow job to the health insurance industry. No public option, could cost the middle class a lot more, encourages employers to drop coverage. Insurance companies can charge whatever they want. I'm going to start going to town halls and screaming now." --Bill Maher

"After all the wooing of the Republicans, no Republican support. Nobody on the Republican side is backing this thing. So the Democrats are trying to bring the Republicans over there. They have a plan. They want to do the thing the Republicans want, curb medical malpractice. They have a little deal. If the Democrats agree to protect doctors from frivolous lawsuits, Republicans will agree to sue the ones who did Tori Spelling's tits." --Bill Maher
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The Latest Bill Maher Political Jokes on 9:11:09

"Obama gave his health care speech before Congress, and he was in a mood. He called out some of the liars who have been lying about his plan. And he also said a lot of the opposition to this plan comes from ill-informed crazy people. And to prove it, a sh**kicker named Joe Wilson from South Carolina, this a**hole with Tourette's syndrome, screams out 'You lie!'" --Bill Maher

"You know, I know the president is black, but this is not Showtime at the Apollo." --Bill Maher

"I thought Obama handled the heckler well. He came with the old, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the lobbyist out of your mouth.'" –Bill Maher

"This is unprecedented. This does not go on in the halls of Congress when the president is speaking. Everyone was shocked. Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed." –Bill Maher

"But to be fair, the next day Joe Wilson apologized, he said he didn't me to say 'You Lie." He said he mean to say 'Go back to Africa.'" --Bill Maher

"What's so ironic is that the health care plan that Mr. Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the prozac he so desperately needs." --Bill Maher

"Even though in his speech, Obama said, 'You lie, I'm not going to kill old people,' the next day Sarah Palin said on her Facebook page she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to go." --Bill Maher

"It's the 8th anniversary of 9/11, and Americans today stopped doing whatever they were doing to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news." --Bill Maher

"At the world trade center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything." --Bill Maher

"This is the week that president gave his big health care speech to Congress, making it the second time in the week that he addressed a bunch of children." --Bill Maher

"The Democrats just never learn: Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pu**ies. When Van Jones called the Republicans a**holes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they're in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can't seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen."--Bill Maher
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Bill Maher Challenges Obama:Stand Up For The 70 Percent Of AmericansWho Aren't Crazy" (VIDEO)

On "Real Time" Friday night, host Bill Maher closed his show with some sharp words for the Obama administration with regards to how they have responded to criticism from figures such as Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.


Maher called the White House "cowards" for allowing Van Jones to resign following a series of right-wing attacks and for capitulating to those who complained about the nature of Obama's back-to-school speech.


"The Democrats just never learn. Americans don't really care which side of an issue you're on as long as you don't act like pussies," Maher said.


Maher then criticized Obama for trying to win over those who vehemently disagree with him, insisting that the president should instead "stand up for the 70 percent of Americans who aren't crazy."


"When are we going to actually show up in all this," Maher said.

Latest Bill Maher Political Jokes

"Polls now are showing that people are actually believing the right-wing corporate-inspired myths about health care, and that's why this is going down the tubes. Forty-five percent of the people in this country believe that the government will now get to decide to pull the plug on grandma. Fifty-five percent think that the health care overhaul will give coverage to illegal immigrants. And the same number think Obama is an illegal immigrant. Fifty-five percent think it will cover abortions." --Bill Maher

"And then there's the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can't you tell these people that they won't believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama's health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he's done, instead of giving him a balloon, he's going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes." --Bill Maher

"And apparently, it's now no longer enough to be screaming as they've been doing at the town hall meetings. They're now bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth." --Bill Maher

"That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'" --Bill Maher

"And they're also bringing guns to events with the president of the United States. Did you see these people with the assault rifles? There was a guy -- and it was a black guy -- holding a big assault rifle, which is terrible news for white people. I mean, first we lose our dominance over music, then sports, then golf, then the presidency. Now, black people are taking over the gun-toting redneck industry." --Bill Maher

"But the president, he always stays cool. He's starting his vacation and going to Martha's Vineyard on Sunday with the family, renting an estate that costs $30,000 a week. Republicans are saying that makes him seem aloof and uncaring. And that is their job!" --Bill Maher

"But it's his first week-long vacation that he's had since he became president, which is quite a contrast with George Bush. Because George Bush, during his first eight years in office, he was on vacation a grand total of eight years." --Bill Maher

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Political Roast: Funny Political Jokes From Bill Maher

"Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn't for these death panels before, but I'm starting to come around." --Bill Maher

"Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don't know how we didn't see that coming." --Bill Maher

"During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn't like Barack Obama, it was something...now they know, he's for death panels. That's what it was, death panels." --Bill Maher

"And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day, a social networking site for teenagers." --Bill Maher

"In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening." --Bill Maher

"It does seem to be a tad ironic that she's so against killing old people because she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"Apparently Dick Cheney, is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt. When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bulls**t. ... It's so annoying when your boss is disobedient." --Bill Maher


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Political Roast| Bill Maher Political Jokes

"Have you seen what's going on with these town halls? I don't want to say they're out of control. But they're starting to show them on ESPN. I haven't seen old white people this upset since they canceled 'Murder, She Wrote.'" --Bill Maher

"No, I'm serious, they are giving angry mobs a bad name. ... And these people, I'm sorry, they are not the best-informed group of screaming people I've seen in my life. Exit polls show that half these people think they're bidding on a tractor." --Bill Maher

"And now, there's actual fist-fights that are breaking out in the town hall meetings. And I have to say this, if you get injured while fighting against health care, you have to lie there and bleed. You just do. I'm sorry." -Bill Maher

"I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord." -Bill Maher

"But Obama's getting pissed at this. I don't blame him. He's getting testy. He said, 'If I wanted to hear endless hours of babbling from the aged, I'll ask Joe Biden a yes-or-no question.'" -Bill Maher

"Today was his 200th day in office. Barack Obama has been -- wow, he made it. And he said he still loves the job as much as ever. And he loves it so much, he's thinking about finally doing it and becoming an American citizen." -Bill Maher

"Bill Clinton has still got it. He's still got it. He does! You think it's easy to pick up two chicks in North Korea? But he did. And he brought them home." -Bill Maher

"The two women are okay. They said they felt violated and dehumanized by their experience. And that was just the flight home." -Bill Maher

"I thought also the biggest news flash of the week: Sonia Sotomayor is now on the Supreme Court. The Senate confirmed her. She will be -- I thought this was interesting -- sworn in on Saturday by Chief Justice John Roberts. And that is progress: a Hispanic woman having a white man come in on Saturday." --Bill Maher

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Bill Maher Funny Political Jokes

I know why you're happy today: racism is over, and we did it with beer. We did it with beer! See, this is the change we can believe in, that Obama was always talking about. Black Americans and white Americans coming together to get shitfaced. When you think about what could have been accomplished if they lit up a joint. Wow. ... If they had lit up a joint and then said, 'This incident is completely forgotten,' that would really have the ring of truth." --Bill Maher

"No, it was a great summit, the beer summit, and I think it's important to note what Sergeant Crowley said. He said, 'It's funny. The guys back at the station always joke how they wished they had a beer for every time a black man was arrested. And now it came true.'" --Bill Maher

"I don't think he's a racist. I don't. I think he's a cop. Seriously. But there was one little awkward moment when he arrived at the White House and got out of the car and he threw Obama the keys." --Bill Maher

"And then, when Sonia Sotomayor came out with the guacamole, I said, 'What the hell is going on here?' ... People were so fascinated about what beer they were drinking. Apparently Gates had Red Stripe. ... And Crowley had Blue Moon. And Obama, just to screw with the conservatives, had a forty of King Cobra." --Bill Maher

"Now, this was awkward. He actually had a Bud Light. At one point, Obama said he had Bud. And the professor took out his pipe." --Bill Maher

"But apparently, it went so well that the professor and Crowley plan to meet again. But not at the White House. It's a little tense there." --Bill Maher

"They want to meet at a place where both men just feel comfortable walking into. Like Gates' house. And if that goes well, then they're going to be paired up on 'Dancing With The Stars.'" --Bill Maher

"Now, interesting, Obama having his problems now with the public. His health care program slipping in the public approval rating." --Bill Maher

"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher

"But a lot is sliding around him. But one program that is an unqualified success that's working, the Cash for Clunkers. Have you done this? Have you traded in your clunker? See, you can take your old gas-guzzling clunker to your GM dealer and trade it in for a new, gas-guzzling clunker. 250,000 people have already done this. ... For the first time in years, people in Kentucky can see their front yard." --Bill Maher

"Some people have misunderstood this concept of trading old for new. For example, today, South Carolina Governor Sanford tried to drop off his wife" --Bill Maher

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Political Roast| Funny Political Jokes By Bill Maher

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher
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Funny Political Jokes by Bill Maher

"The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we're going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher

"No, it's sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that's propped up by oil, that's led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska."

"The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist." --Bill Maher

"Don't you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that's how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what's going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they're dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service." --Bill Maher

"And I think what's interesting, is with all this going on in the world, the top news on the Fox News website was a recall of Tollhouse cookie dough. I'm not kidding. Forget Iran, forget healthcare, for the average Fox viewer, the most important question for them was, is my lard safe?" --Bill Maher

"Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He's the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He's a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta." --Bill Maher

"He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that's okay, that's all good." --Bill Maher

"They said his chief of staff, the guy who's wife he was screwing, he threatened to go public unless Ensign, the senator, paid his mortgage. Apparently this guy had a big-ass house in Las Vegas. I know the economy is tough, but using your wife as collateral on your mortgage? That's a new one, even for the Republicans. And how do you broach that? 'Look, senator, I'm upside-down on my mortgage, you've been upside down on my wife...'" --Bill Maher

"This is all very ironic, because this is the week that the gay people in America finally really had it up to here with Barack Obama, because he won't come out for gay marriage. He threw them a ball with federal benefits. They didn't like that. They said, we are not satisfied and we are feeling neglected. He said, well that's almost like being married." --Bill Maher

"In other news, the world's oldest man died, he was 113, and a leading voice of the young Republicans." --Bill Maher

"And finally, I'm saving the big story for last. Have you heard this? We are preparing for a big high seas showdown with North Korea. You heard that? They may be transporting nukes. We're going to intercept their ships. It's going to be fun stuff! That's right, we're going to be intercepting their ships. The winner of the round meets the Somali pirates. And the loser has to fight the Carnival cruise line." --Bill Maher

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