David Letterman rips on Herman Cain

"It was so beautiful in New York City today, that Herman Cain accusers were holding press conferences in the park." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain says he will not quit. He is going to stay in the race. You know what that means? He'll be gone in a week." –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes about Cain

"Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word 'consensual.'" –David Letterman

"When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee." –David Letterman

"President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he's not an American." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is In Trouble"

10. Can't afford cigarettes for new campaign ads
9. It's been fun, but there's no way we're actually electing a guy named 'Herman'
8. While campaigning, kissed a photo of himself and signed a baby
7. New campaign slogan 'Mayday!'
6. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks his ideas are nuts
5. He trails Gadhafi's corpse in the polls
4. Refuses to acknowledge the road to the White House goes through me, Dave
3. He's acting less fun-crazy and more crazy-crazy
2. Just accepted million-dollar offer to pose nude in Playboy
1. There's a 0-0-0 chance he'll be president

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10. Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs
9. At debates, he mostly goes with, 'That's what she said'
8. Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter
7. He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters
6. His new slogan: 'C'mon!'
5. Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry
4. Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran
3. Even his wife is wearing a 'Herman Cain' button
2. Instead of 'Freedom' and 'Liberty,' his cowboy boots read 'It's' and 'Over'
1. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts

Funny Political Jokes from David Letterman about Mitt Romney

"Mitt Romney came to New York to meet with Donald Trump. First thing, Trump asked to see Romney's birth certificate, and then they got down to business." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry did so badly at the last debate, that President Obama turned to Michelle and said, 'Honey, you can stop packing.'" –David Letterman

"Perry said he didn't do well because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes about Death Threat

"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes about Mitt Romney, gay marriage

"Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'" –David Letterman

"It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French." –David Letterman

"It looks like we'll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming." –David Letterman

"New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Final Words Of Osama bin Laden"

10. 'My horoscope says 'Big surprises are in store''
9. 'See, this is why I normally don't answer the door'
8. 'The one time I give my bodyguards a day off to go to the zoo . . . '
7. 'What on earth could be interrupting 'Celebrity Apprentice?''
6. 'I hear Brian Williams is on Dave to discuss my imminent demise'
5. 'At least I'll be reunited with my dear departed friend Jack LaLanne'
4. 'I'm not sure I want to live in a world where 'Fast Five' is the No. 1 movie'
3. 'Any man with multiple wives welcomes death. Am I right, fellas?'
2. 'I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head'
1. 'Oh, crap!'

David Letterman Jokes about Osama

"They're very clever -- the CIA, these guys know what they're doing. They got into the compound -- they had a guy pose as a Domino's kid."

"There's already some trouble for Osama in the afterlife. There was a mixup ... he was greeted by 72 vegans."

Letterman also devoted his Top 10 list to the "final words of Osama Bin Laden." No. 2: "I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head."

David Letterman Jokes about air traffic controllers

Political Jokes-"A man just tried to hijack a plane, and he had two demands. He wanted them to take him to Libya, and he wanted an extra pillow. Fortunately it didn’t happen. Thank God all the air traffic controllers were asleep." –David Letterman

"New Jersey had a governor, married, who decided he was a homosexual, and he was having so much fun being a homosexual that he didn’t want to be governor any more, and now he wants to become a Catholic priest. I’m just going to leave the punchline up to you." –David Letterman

"Hey, who's excited about the Royal Wedding? I'm conflicted. I can't figure out whether I don't care or whether I couldn't care less. I think we're all more excited about the royal divorce." –David Letterman

"WikiLeaks has information about the people that were incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. Many of them were charged with terrorism and conspiracy, and one person was actually charged with shoplifting a necklace." –David Letterman

David Letterman rips on Donald Trump

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb." –David Letterman

"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes about Libya

"The CIA is now arming the Libyan rebels, which means that in 10 years, we’ll be fighting them." –David Letterman

"Uganda said Gaddafi could come live there in exile, which is amazing, because to Charlie Sheen they said no." –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes about Egypt

"The military is now running Egypt. Well, that never goes wrong, does it?" –David Letterman

"Now that Hosni Mubarak is out of office, they're saying he's an old tyrant, decrepit, and out of touch. Oh wait, that's me." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten President Obama Celebrated Anniversary

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways President Obama Celebrated His Two-Year Anniversary In Office"

10. Spelled 'Two Years' on the south lawn of the White House with cigarette butts
9. Romantic dinner with his favorite teleprompter
8. Loaded staffers on a party bus and drove to Pittsburgh
7. Surprised Joe Biden with an open heart necklace from Kay Jewelers
6. Watched Miss Arkansas and her dummies on Dave
5. Went on one of those staged 'I'm a regular guy' burger runs
4. Climbed into a hot bubble bath and read Snooki's book
3. Pardoned Brett Favre
2. Same way President Bush celebrated two years in office: invaded Iraq
1. Began his campaign to replace Regis

David Letterman Jokes about Dick Cheney and President Hu Jintao from China

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman

"President Hu Jintao from China is visiting the United States. Ahead of the big state dinner, President Obama went to Hu's hotel and slipped a menu under the door." –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes about John Boehner, Dick Cheny and Top Ten

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again." —David Letterman

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back." —David Letterman


David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House"

10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
7. "Beer me!"
6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
4. "When is vacation?"
3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"

David Letterman rips on John Boehner and Republicans

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to repeal everything President Obama has done. They even told Michelle Obama that her vegetable garden has to go." –David Letterman

"How about the new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Have you seen this guy's enormous gavel. I'm telling you, if in four hours, that gavel is still that size, he's got to call a doctor." –David Letterman

"John Boehner -- doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money." –David Letterman

"Birds are falling out of the sky in Arkansas and Louisiana and London. Today I saw my parakeet looking at the obituaries in the newspaper on the bottom of his cage, chirping, 'Petey!'" –David Letterman

David Letterman Rips on Sarah Palin

"Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree." –David Letterman

"Imagining Donald Trump flying on Jet Blue is like trying to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One." –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections

"Sarah Palin's new show is a huge hit and producers are saying that no endangered species were harmed — except for the Democrats." –David Letterman

"Palin says they do a lot of huntin', a lot of hikin', and a lot of fishin'. I won't be watchin'." –David Letterman

"President Obama has a children's book. It's called, 'How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.'" –David Letterman

"The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Hey, why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

David Letterman Jokes About George W. Bush and his book

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King show. He's been on the 'Today Show' with Matt Lauer, he's been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet." —David Letterman

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he's happy to be out of Washington. Well, it's unanimous." —David Letterman

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" —David Letterman

"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." —David Letterman

"President Bush is back. And people really seem to love that new red beard. But he's getting criticism. John Boehner, new Speaker of the House, says Bush doesn't care about orange people." —David Letterman

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