Funny Election Jokes by Jay Leno

"Congratulations to President Obama on being re-elected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare." –Jay Leno

 "Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders." –Jay Leno

 "Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

 "Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records." –Jay Leno

 "Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution." –Jay Leno

 "Vice President Joe Biden said now that the election is over, he's going to take a vacation. He's been vice president for four years. That is a vacation!" –Jay Leno

 "In a stage show Madonna urged her audience to vote for President Obama. You know what' s unbelievable? Madonna has been right in every election since Calvin Coolidge." –Jay Leno

 "This morning the stock met plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money out." –Jay Leno

 "Actually I thought Mitt Romney was very gracious last night. He gave a very touching concession speech. And the good news for Romney is that he can still run for president of the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About President Obama

"President Obama's hometown newspaper, the Chicago Tribune has called on Obama not to run for re-election. He has to run. He knows there are no other jobs out there." –Jay Leno

"The Solyndra executives are scheduled to testify before Congress, and they're expected to take the 5th. Why not take the 5th? They've already taken $535 million." –Jay Leno

"Gays can now openly serve in the military, which is good news, unless you're gay and you don't want to join the military and they reinstate the draft." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About hurricane

"Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too." –Jay Leno

"Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back." –Jay Leno

"They had so much rain in New York t

hat a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years." –Jay Leno

"New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned." –Jay Leno

"The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney's positions – but to be fair, so has Romney." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President's children, he said, 'What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'" –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Michele Bachmann

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race." –Jay Leno

"It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th." –Jay Leno

"General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'" –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Economy

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook." –Jay Leno

"Standard and Poor's has also warned there's a 1 in 3 chance we could be downgraded again in the next three years. We could go from AA+ to F.U. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay." –Jay Leno

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About debt deal

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno

"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Debt Default

"If the debt limit isn't lifted by midnight next Tuesday, President Obama is going to switch to plan b: a nationwide 'going out of business' sale. Everything is 50% off! All government buildings! All parks! Everything must go!" –Jay Leno

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"As they say in Washington, 'If it ain't broke, it will be by Tuesday.'" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today the House passed Boehner's version of the bill. He got tough with his own party. He said, 'Get your ass in line.' That's what he said. Doesn't that sound like something Kim Kardashian's chiropractor would say?" –Jay Leno

"New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels "fabulous." When Michele Bachman's husband heard that, he said, "We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that." –Jay Leno

"According to reports, Apple now has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Which sounds impressive until you realize that Radio Shack has more cash on hand... Actually, the big difference between Apple and the government is that their stuff is made in China, while we're owned by China. Two different things." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Murdoch,Bachmann and Arnold

"It's been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says God wants him to run for President. Michele Bachmann says God wants her to run for President. If God's that indecisive he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Political Jokes About The royal couple

"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos." –Jay Leno

"The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left." –Jay Leno

"The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Casey Anthony,Sarah Palin and Democrats

"Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?" –Jay Leno

"You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well." –Jay Leno

"The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee." –Jay Leno

"Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, a cell phone found in Osama bin Laden's compound had phone numbers belonging to Pakistan's intelligence agencies. But authorities say it’s unlikely they ever spoke because apparently bin laden had AT&T." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the united states. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno

"You know Casey Anthony is not the only one that is going to go free. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk too. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in California today that Arnold Schwarzenegger's clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire." –Jay Leno

"Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America." –Jay Leno

"I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Weiner

"Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known as the peter tweeter, held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. You see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone." –Jay Leno

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." –Jay Leno

"A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages. Like cocktail wieners." –Jay Leno

"He said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls in three years and no sex. You know what I call that? High school." –Jay Leno

"Weiner's beautiful wife Huma – she’s a beautiful woman if you’ve seen her – she is an aide for Hillary Clinton. I guess Hillary called Huma to console her while Anthony Weiner go a call from Bill going 'Yeah!'" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump and Sarah Palin met and had pizza together in New York City last week. There was one embarrassing moment — when the waitress asked Donald if he wanted extra topping and he said, 'No, my hair is fine.'" –Jay Leno

"The USDA has done away with the food pyramid. It didn't work anyway. Ever since they came out with it, Americans have turned into food pyramids." –Jay Leno

"When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won't even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, 'What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?'" –Jay Leno

"Today Moammar Gaddafi said he is going to fight to the death. Works for me." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Osama,Clinton and Trump

"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jay Leno



"Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don’t send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal." –Jay Leno

"Pakistan is still saying they didn’t know bin Laden was hiding there. He wasn’t hiding there. He was living there. Look at these pictures. Here he is working as a crossing guard. Here’s his restaurant, Osama bin Laden’s, downtown, and here he is getting a star on the Islamabad Walk of Fame." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Osama Bin Laden

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno

"The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection." –Jay Leno

"For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Osama

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I did.'"

"Before they made the announcement, the White House wanted to be absolutely certain that it was Bin Laden. In fact, do you know who they brought in to do the DNA test? Maury Povich."

Political Jokes| Jay Leno and Donald Trump

Today President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta." –Jay Leno

"Did you see Donald Trump today? He said, 'I'm very proud of myself because I accomplished something no one else was able to accomplish.' So basically Trump is taking credit for President Obama proving that everything Trump has been saying for the last year is a bunch of crap." –Jay Leno

"After releasing the birth certificate today, he said 'There's work to be done, there are real problems in this country, and we don't have time for this silliness.' Then he and Michelle got on a plane and flew to Chicago to tape an episode of Oprah." –Jay Leno

"It’s the 75th anniversary of the introduction of Social Security checks. For the younger viewers who don’t know what a Social Security check is, you’ll never see one in your lifetime, so don’t worry about it." –Jay Leno

"The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Political Jokes about Obama and Moammar Gadhafi

"President Obama came back from South America and couldn’t get into the White House. The door was locked. So he called Chris Brown on his cell phone to find the best way to break a window." –Jay Leno

"General Electric announced it made a profit of $14 billion last year and paid zero in U.S. taxes. How does this make Wesley Snipes feel? Had he just been making light bulbs instead of movies he wouldn’t be in prison now." –Jay Leno

"According to the latest reports, medical marijuana sales in this country are now approaching $2 billion a year. I had no idea that so many people had glaucoma. Apparently this is an epidemic." –Jay Leno

"The Eiffel Tower was evacuated after a suspicious package was found. French investigators were baffled by this object for hours. It turns out it was just a can of deodorant. They had never seen anything like that." –Jay Leno

"Moammar Gadhafi says of the no-fly zone, 'In the short term we will beat them, and in the long term we will beat them.' Which is Libyan for 'Bring it. Winning. Bring it. Winning.'" –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes about Moammar Gadhafi

"Moammar Gadhafi said that Libyan protesters were all on drugs, and then he blamed it on Al Qaeda. Now, he's saying it's the fault of the teachers unions." –Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs." –Jay Leno

"The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes about Egypt,President Obama and The Catholic Church

"President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything." –Jay Leno

"The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme." –Jay Leno

"The Catholic Church has approved an app that let’s you confess on your iPhone. You can now cheat and atone right on the same device. Perfect for Brett Favre." –Jay Leno

"The actual name for this app is “Priest in your pocket.” Don’t they read the paper? Couldn’t they come up with a better name?" –Jay Leno

"The

has approved an app that lets people confess their sins through their iPhones. The number one confession? Taking the Lord's name in vain after the iPhone drops your call." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno's Political Jokes about Egypt, Palin and Hillary

"The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt." –Jay Leno

"President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow; six more weeks of rock throwing." –Jay Leno

"Secretary of state Hillary Clinton said regarding the crises in Egypt that the Obama administration is not advocating or working toward any specific outcome. Same policy they had during the economic crises. Just kind of go along and see what happens." –Jay Leno

"Today Al Gore blamed the current snow storms on global warming. Al Gore said, 'a rise in global temperature creates havoc ranging from hotter dry spells to colder winters, increasing violent storms, flooding, forest fires and loss of endangered species.' And finally Tipper said, 'Al will you just pay the kid for shoveling the walk, please.'" –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes about Palin,Snooki and The Tea Party

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno

"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister." –Jay Leno

"A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: 'Cover-Your-Facebook.'" –Jay Leno