David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"

10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face
9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites
3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
1. Turns out he was kind of a coward

David Letterman's "Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

David Letterman's "Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

10. William Howard Taft was so fat, he's considered our 27th and 28th presidents
9. Teddy Roosevelt answered the phone, 'Hellosevelt?'
8. The K in James K. Polk stood for Kanye
7. Like the cartoon cat, James A. Garfield loved lasagna and hated Mondays
6. To conserve energy when possible, Jimmy Carter would travel via pogo stick
5. During one of his fireside chats, FDR accidentally burned down the map room
4. John Tyler was the only president to work his way up from the mailroom
3. Zachary Taylor's vice president was a cocker spaniel named Angus
2. Our only unmarried president, James Buchanan was fond of posing as his own first lady
1. George W. Bush was not born in the United States

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is The WikiLeaks Guy"

10. Name on mailbox reads 'WikiLeaks Guy'
9. Spends most of his free time burying stuff in the yard
8. He insists you speak directly into his necktie
7. More than once, you've caught him crawling in your ventilation ducts
6. He told you about Jeter's new contract at Thanksgiving
5. He insists you speak directly into his necktie — that joke was already in the Top Ten. We really need someone checking these things
4. On recycling day, he puts out cans, bottles, and classified documents
3. His idea of small talk is 'Good morning' and 'Want the coordinates of our secret military base in the Strait of Hormuz?'
2. Any time you talk to him, all he says is, 'I know. I know. I know . . . '
1. Gets drunk and takes a 'WikiLeak' on your porch — Hayo!

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library

David Letterman's "Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library Groundbreaking"

10. While digging, they found Obama's birth certificate
9. Read warm congratulatory note from Osama and Julie bin Laden
8. Displayed thousands of books Bush pretends to read
7. George arrived wearing a flight suit and piloting the Conan blimp
6. Dubya only had three shoes thrown at him
5. Dug up thousands of Gore ballots from 2000
4. Bush gave Halliburton $300 million check just for the hell of it
3. George correctly pronounced the word "nuclear" (it doesn't get any more groundbreaking than that)
2. After a few seconds of digging, Bush raised "Mission Accomplished" banner
1. Bush and Cheney celebrated the day with a long, passionate, open-mouth kiss
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David Letterman's "Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses"

10. "It's the damn bedbugs"
9. "Didn't think it was possible to get fired from a network no one watches"
8. "Just trying to get some publicity for my Twitter"
7. "Excuses for what?"
6. "Always wanted to go back to doing weather in Zanesville, Ohio"
5. "How come when Jackie Mason says the same thing, it's hilarious?"
4. "Trying to impress Mel Gibson"
3. "Wanted time off to watch Bruce Willis on Letterman"
2. "Accidentally took a handful of Larry King's heart pills"
1. "Hate-filled rant was an audition for Fox News"

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David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations
9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker
8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry
7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote
6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy
5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost
4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge
3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer
2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil
1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election

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Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

10. Ends every argument with, "Yeah, and how many Nobel Prizes have you won?"
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as "The Situation."
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house
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David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You Won't Win A Nobel Prize

10. You invented swine flu
9. Misspelled 'Nobel' and 'Prize' on application
8. Mathematics paper notes 'all figures approximate'
7. There's no Nobel Prize for napping
6. Your peacemaking efforts focused on Jon and Kate
5. You're up against Tina Fey — she wins everything!
4. Only prize you've ever won was for eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes
3. Devoted your life to creating a sushi that will still allow Jeremy Piven to act
2. Only medical experience? Sticking a needle in A-Rod's ass
1. Barack Obama flew to Sweden to plead on your behalf
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David Letterman's Top Ten-Dinner With Sarah Palin

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $63,500 On Dinner With Sarah Palin

10."Is the tip included?"
9."Do my kids really need to go to college?"
8."Is it 'All the Moose You Can Eat'?"
7."Should I prepare by reading every magazine and newspaper?"
6."Does it have to be at the Denny's where Todd works?"
5."Should we have dinner in Alaska or Russia?"
4."Will she hunt and shoot the main course?"
3."63 grand? That's nearly half of her weekly wardrobe budget!" Remember that reference?
2."Is there valet parking for my snowmobile?"
1."Will I be done in time to get to the 'Fire Dave' rally?"

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David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Obama Agreed to Appear on the 'Late Show'

10. Heard the lady with the heart-shaped potato was gonna be here.
9. Thought it would be fun to watch someone else get heckled.
8. Something to do with that whole Cash For Clunkers deal.
7. Every president since Teddy Roosevelt has done it.
6. Someone offers you 600 bucks, you take it ladies and gentlemen.
5. We told him Megan Fox would be here.
4. Needed some time to hang out before check-in time at his hotel.
3. I have no idea.
2. Said yes, without thinking, like Bush did with Iraq.
1. Wanted to congratulate Dave on the big Emmy win.

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David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises In Obama's Speech to School Kids.

Top Ten Surprises In President Barack Obama's Message to Students." Very funny David!

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David Letterman's Top Ten Dumb Guys Tips to Combat the Swine Flu

10. Give your pigs and hogs Advil, vitamin C and plenty of liquids.
9. Let President Nixon figure it out.
8. Be extra vigilant when shopping at Piggly Wiggly.
7. Tax cuts for the rich.
6. Forget swine flu, you should be worried about the Obama death panels.
5. Lock yourself in Y2K bunker.
4. Spray your pork chops with Lysol.
3. Initiate talks with the leader of the pigs, see if we can't work this out.
2. If you see a pig, run!
1. Those microscopic germs don't stand a chance against Dr. Jack Daniels

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways To Irritate Dick Cheney

10.Try to talk to him before he's had his morning heart attack
9.Don't have weapons of mass destruction he keeps saying you had
8.Reveal plot spoilers before he's had a chance to watch "Gossip Girl"
7.Leave the lights on in the dungeon -- "You think I'm made of money?!?!"
6."Accidentally" throw out tub of Crisco he was saving for lunch
5.Call him "Ricky"
4.Beat him in sneering contest
3.Replace Lipitor with refreshing Mentos
2.At dinner ask, "Who's got a good hunting accident story?"
1.Irritate Cheney? No, he's a pretty laid back dude
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David Letterman's Funny Political Jokes

"Hot today in New York City. So hot today that Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference." --David Letterman

"There is a new Osama bin Laden tape. And people say, 'Well, is it a new tape?' Yes. They verified it, it's a new audiotape because in it, he says he doesn't think that 'Bruno' is as funny as 'Borat.'" --David Letterman

"They began the confirmation hearings down in Washington for a new Supreme Court justice, Sonia Sotomayor. Anybody see it? Something always goes haywire. The hearings for the confirmation were delayed until security could quiet down all of the Chuck Schumer groupies." --David Letterman

"But Sonia Sotomayor is in for a couple hours of intense grilling, you know, like me when I get home late." --David Letterman

"But if you're interested in the confirmation hearings, you can watch them live on C-SPAN Dos." --David Letterman

"Beautiful weather here in New York City. Sunny, beautiful, sunny, clear day. It was so bright and sunny, you could even see what Dick Cheney was up to." --David Letterman

"So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA And he goes to the CIA -- and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret -- and he goes to the CIA, and he says, 'Boys, this will just be between you and me. We're going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don't tell Congress.' Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'" --David Letterman

"They tried to get a hold of Cheney for comment, but his staff said, 'No, no, you can't talk to Cheney. He's taking a hike on the Appalachian Trail.'" --David Letterman

"Very secret operation, went on for eight years. Nobody knew anything about it. The only thing they knew was that it was called 'Operation Hunting Accident.'" --David Letterman

"President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman


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David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today In Prison

10. Has it been 150 years yet?
9. Who do I have to swindle to get a freshly-pressed jumpsuit?
8. Which way to the penthouse cell?
7. Because of my business dealings with the Latin Kings, can you keep me away from the Crips?
6. What mixes better in a toilet, sangria or daiquiris?
5. Will I get special treatment if I help the guards hide money from the IRS?
4. I'd like the truffle-crusted halibut.
3. Did I mention that it was an April Fools' prank that just got out of control?
2. Will someone TiVo 'America's Got Talent' for me for the next 149 years?
1. Is it ok if I decline a conjugal request from my wife?


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David Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine

David Letterman's Top Ten

10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"
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David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Memoir

10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech.
9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs.
8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight.
7. "Memoir" is misspelled.
6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble.
5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish."
4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio.
3. Sworn in as Governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine.
2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper.
1. She voted for Obama
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David Letterman's Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image

10. Star in new television series, "America's Funniest Haircuts."
9. Quit politics and become a fat, lovable mall cop.
8. Start pronouncing last name with Jerry Lewis-like "BLAGOOOOYYYYYJEVICH."
7. Offer a senate seat with no money down, zero percent interest.
6. Team up with John Malkovich and Erin Brockovich for hot Malkovich-Brockovich-Blagojevich sex tape.
5. Change his name to Barod Obamavich.
4. Safely land an Airbus on the Hudson River.
3. I don't know ... how about showing up for his impeachment trial?
2. Wear sexy dresses, high heels and say, "You Betcha!" a lot.
1. Uhhh...resign?

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David Letterman's Top Ten-Rod Blagojevich's

"You folks excited about the holidays? Remember Sarah Palin? She is so excited about the holidays she held a press conference today to announce that from her house she can see the North Pole." --David Letterman

"We're not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40%." --David Letterman

"But did you hear about this guy? Blagojevich is charged with corruption and apparently he was stealing a lot of money, getting a lot of bribes and kickbacks and hiding them in his hair." --David Letterman

"But you know what he was doing? Because Barack Obama is the President-elect who used to be one of the senators from Illinois, Blagojevich has got to appoint a senator. So he was calling up people, saying, 'Would you like to be a senator. Well, what's it worth to you?' Well, I just hope to God this doesn't tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics." --David Letterman

"One guy, he was going to charge 150,000 dollars for the Senate seat, 200,000 dollars for the cup holder." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine

10. For 10 grand can you make me Pope?
9. Hello, is this the Blog-o-bloga-a-da-go-bl-vipivh residence?
8. Hi, it's O.J. Wanna be cellmates?
7. Oh, I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong Blagojevich.
6. Hi, it's Larry Craig -- did I hear something about a Senator's seat being available?
5. I'm calling about your Senate seat on Craigslist. Want to trade for a futon?
4. Hey, it's Cheney -- Damn even I think you're sleazy.
3. You really Blagojevich'd your political career.
2. I'm guessing you didn't spend the bribe money on that haircut.
1. It's Sarah Palin. Thanks for replacing me as the country's most embarrassing governor