David Letterman Jokes about Cain

"Herman Cain is the first candidate this year to use the word 'consensual.'" –David Letterman

"When Herman Cain was in charge of the National Restaurant Association, there were allegations of sexual harassment. They have revealed one came from Sara Lee." –David Letterman

"President Obama had his physical today. His cholesterol is down, blood pressure down, approval rating down. He's fit and eats healthy food, and Fox News says that proves he's not an American." –David Letterman

Conan O'Brien Jokes about Buffett rule

"This week, the U.S. military will formally end it's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Michelle Obama has convinced the owners of the Olive Garden to cut calories and sodium by 20 percent. They took the first lady's advice because Michelle Obama is more Italian than anybody that works at the Olive Garden." –Conan O'Brien

Jay Leno Jokes About hurricane

"Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too." –Jay Leno

"Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back." –Jay Leno

"They had so much rain in New York t

hat a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years." –Jay Leno

"New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned." –Jay Leno

"The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney's positions – but to be fair, so has Romney." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President's children, he said, 'What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'" –Jay Leno

David Letterman Jokes about Death Threat

"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards." –David Letterman

"I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

Stephen Colbert Jokes about Michele Bachmann

Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis." –Stephen Colbert

Conan O'Brien Jokes about President Obama

"President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China.USA! USA!" –Conan O'Brien

"Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house." –Conan O'Brien

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien

Jay Leno Jokes About Michele Bachmann

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." –Jay Leno

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race." –Jay Leno

"It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th." –Jay Leno

"General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'" –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Economy

"S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook." –Jay Leno

"Standard and Poor's has also warned there's a 1 in 3 chance we could be downgraded again in the next three years. We could go from AA+ to F.U. That's how bad it's gotten." –Jay Leno

"The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow." –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay." –Jay Leno

"I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it." –Jay Leno

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno

"It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Debt Default

"If the debt limit isn't lifted by midnight next Tuesday, President Obama is going to switch to plan b: a nationwide 'going out of business' sale. Everything is 50% off! All government buildings! All parks! Everything must go!" –Jay Leno

"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno

"As they say in Washington, 'If it ain't broke, it will be by Tuesday.'" –Jay Leno

"Earlier today the House passed Boehner's version of the bill. He got tough with his own party. He said, 'Get your ass in line.' That's what he said. Doesn't that sound like something Kim Kardashian's chiropractor would say?" –Jay Leno

"New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels "fabulous." When Michele Bachman's husband heard that, he said, "We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that." –Jay Leno

"According to reports, Apple now has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Which sounds impressive until you realize that Radio Shack has more cash on hand... Actually, the big difference between Apple and the government is that their stuff is made in China, while we're owned by China. Two different things." –Jay Leno

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about John Boehner

"John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel

Jay Leno Jokes About Murdoch,Bachmann and Arnold

"It's been so hot this week, everyone is sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill." –Jay Leno

"The Governor of Texas says God wants him to run for President. Michele Bachmann says God wants her to run for President. If God's that indecisive he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought." –Jay Leno

David Letterman Jokes about Mitt Romney, gay marriage

"Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'" –David Letterman

"It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French." –David Letterman

"It looks like we'll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming." –David Letterman

"New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache." –David Letterman

Jay Leno Jokes About Casey Anthony,Sarah Palin and Democrats

"Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?" –Jay Leno

"You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well." –Jay Leno

"The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee." –Jay Leno

"Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears." –Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, a cell phone found in Osama bin Laden's compound had phone numbers belonging to Pakistan's intelligence agencies. But authorities say it’s unlikely they ever spoke because apparently bin laden had AT&T." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the united states. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno

"You know Casey Anthony is not the only one that is going to go free. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk too. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date." –Jay Leno

"It was so hot in California today that Arnold Schwarzenegger's clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire." –Jay Leno

"Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America." –Jay Leno

"I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida." –Jay Leno

Conan O'Brien Jokes about Congressman Weiner

"Congressman Weiner has entered a treatment program. Amazingly, it's the only thing he's entered during the entire Weinergate scandal." –Conan O'Brien

"TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, 'There's a congressional gym?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago." –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, male politicians run for office to be somebody, while female politicians run to do something. The study has a margin of error of plus or minus Sarah Palin." –Conan O'Brien

Anthony Weiner Jokes

"Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired." –Craig Ferguson

"In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' ... "The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!" –Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

"New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has found himself in an uncomfortable position after a photo of what could be him in his underpants was somehow posted for everyone to see via his Twitter account. We had to blur this, but you could definitely see his weiner, and a little bit of schnitzel too I think. It looks like he may have had a Boehner there too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I was Anthony Weiner, I'd blame this all on Brett Favre." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If this is a prank, I guess we're lucky they pulled it on Anthony Weiner, and not Colin Powell." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He isn't flat-out denying the picture isn't him. He told Wolf Blitzer it doesn't look familiar. That’s something you’re familiar with. I’m so familiar with mine that if I described it to a police sketch artist, it would be arrested within minutes." –Jimmy Kimmel More Weinergate Jokes:

"The question is – why can’t Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos?" —NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he's a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his Doctor, with the message, 'Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved.'" —NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!"

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." –Stephen Colbert

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –Bill Maher

Jay Leno Jokes About Osama,Clinton and Trump

"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is furious with President Obama. Killing bin Laden was supposed to be the final task on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Jay Leno



"Today Hillary Clinton sent Khadafy a sealed note asking him to resign. Don’t send him a sealed note. Send him a note delivered by a Seal." –Jay Leno

"Pakistan is still saying they didn’t know bin Laden was hiding there. He wasn’t hiding there. He was living there. Look at these pictures. Here he is working as a crossing guard. Here’s his restaurant, Osama bin Laden’s, downtown, and here he is getting a star on the Islamabad Walk of Fame." –Jay Leno

Jay Leno Jokes About Osama Bin Laden

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno

"The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news." –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno

"At the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a dress designed by Sarah Burton and Prince William wore something from the Sgt. Pepper collection." –Jay Leno

"For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan." –Jay Leno

Jimmy Kimmel jokes about Osama

"I'm in a very good mood -- did you hear what happened last night? What an episode of 'Khloe and Lamar.'"

"I think this was the first Twitter death rumor that turned out to be true."

"The name on the mailbox was a red flag [picture of mailbox]. It said Al Q. Aeda."

David Letterman Jokes about Osama

"They're very clever -- the CIA, these guys know what they're doing. They got into the compound -- they had a guy pose as a Domino's kid."

"There's already some trouble for Osama in the afterlife. There was a mixup ... he was greeted by 72 vegans."

Letterman also devoted his Top 10 list to the "final words of Osama Bin Laden." No. 2: "I need a house full of Navy SEALs like I need a hole in the head."

Jay Leno Jokes About Osama

It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I did.'"

"Before they made the announcement, the White House wanted to be absolutely certain that it was Bin Laden. In fact, do you know who they brought in to do the DNA test? Maury Povich."