"President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign slogan, wasn't it?" --David Letterman
"I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman
"Yesterday, Obama extended Dick Cheney - you remember Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick 'Ka-Boom' Cheney, you remember him? He extended his Secret Service protection for another six months. Hey, I'll tell you who needs protection, Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman
"Cheney needs protection. Yeah, protection from bacon." --David Letterman
"You remember before the election, in October and September, and the big convention, all people could talk about was Sarah Palin and John McCain? And now, this is Sarah Palin's last week in office as governor of Alaska. Isn't that crazy? Going back to her old job as IHOP hostess." --David Letterman
"But Sunday will be a big day for Sarah Palin. That's the day she plans to go on her porch and wave goodbye to Russia. Then she'll run back in the House and jiggle the handle." --David Letterman
"Here's how bad the economy is. Now people can't afford to be buried in a cemetery so they're being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?" --David Letterman
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