"This is historic, this is huge in the world of politics. I don't know if you remember a couple of years ago we had that presidential election. And John McCain was running. And he needed a date for the ticket. So he got a hold of the governor of Alaska. And they ran. They didn't win but they ran. And now the governor of Alaska decided that she's quitting. So on Sunday, she's leaving office. And she will officially hand over her sash and her crown to her successor." --David Letterman
"And you know, there's some kind of ethics investigation going on up in Alaska, also involving Governor Palin. I don't know what the ethics violations are, but for our purposes here, let's just say that she robbed a gas station." --David Letterman
"She's stepping down as governor. Leaving the governor's mansion. Next stop, LensCrafters commercial." --David Letterman
"Don't kid yourself. Sunday is going to be an emotional day. It's her last day. She's going to go out on to the porch and wave goodbye to Russia. So it's a big weekend." --David Letterman
"Here's news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny." --David Letterman
"But Osama's favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was - no, he wasn't too bright.'" --David Letterman
"There's a woman in Florida, and they arrested her. And she's in her garage. And you know what she is doing in her garage? She's pretending she's a dentist. And she's making dentures and she has the reclining chair and the drilling equipment and, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Obama health plan." --David Letterman
"Anybody see President Obama's press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here's the deal - it will cost a trillion dollars but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it's not that bad." --David Letterman
"But you know who really is opposed to the Obama healthcare plan? The Republicans. Apparently it does not cover breast implants for their mistresses so they think, 'We don't want it. We don't need it.''" --David Letterman
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