"Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm so happy you're here tonight, because, last night, oh my gosh, we had a rough crowd. I couldn't get the Blue Dogs to go along. Oh, you see, I didn't know what that meant either." --David Letterman
"You know about the situation? Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., from Harvard and Sergeant James Crowley, the police officer that cuffed him and tried to drag him out of his house and arrest him. Then later, in a press conference, President Obama said that one of them, I guess the policeman, acted stupidly. Already, there's trouble right there. So here's what the President is going to do. Does it make sense? I don't know. He invited the professor and the cop to come to the White House on Thursday for beer. Alcohol usually cools things off. Have you noticed that? That's where you want to go." --David Letterman
"And Joe Biden's pretty busy. Today he went out to get a keg." --David Letterman
"But everybody at the White House, excited about the kegger. You know who's coming? Well, Dick Cheney will be there. Here's what he's going to do. He'll be playing the organ down in his old dungeon." --David Letterman
"If it goes well, then President Obama is going to invite Governor and Mrs. Sanford to come up and have a beer." --David Letterman
"And then in the spirit of this, I thought it was nice today, Rush Limbaugh called up Professor Gates and Officer Crowley and he invited them over for some OxyContin." --David Letterman
"President Obama's not the only President who enjoys the occasional beer. Bill Clinton, remember Bill Clinton would have an occasional beer? Here's what he would do. He would go into a bar and order a cold one. Do you remember that? And then the bartender would say, 'Oh, then go home to Hillary.'" --David Letterman
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