"President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he'd work with Mexico to solve the immigration problem, and he'd work with Canada to solve the Celine Dion problem." --Conan O'Brien
"No, earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien
"Former President Clinton, of course, in the news a lot lately. Yesterday, former President Clinton gave a speech to a group from Haiti, and he urged them not to give up hope. Clinton said, 'Things can start to look bleak, and then, all of the sudden, you're on an airplane with two hot Asian chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from 'All rise' to 'Hey, I'm judging over here!'" --Conan O'Brien
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