"Obama family vacationing on Martha's Vineyard and Obama has been mostly relaxing with just a little bit of work. And you know, that sounds like George Bush's entire eight years." --David Letterman
"The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver." --David Letterman
"John McCain is out there in Arizona. He had a town hall meeting and you know these town hall meetings. Have you been watching? They've got out of hand completely. There's one old guy, had a gun rack on his walker, honestly." --David Letterman
"McCain at one point had to have a crazy woman removed by security at one of these town hall meetings. And I'm thinking, jeez, he should have done that a year ago." --David Letterman
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China." --David Letterman
"Bernanke looks like a guy you see at the airport holding a sign that reads 'Dr. Rothman.' He looks like a guy who ran a Madoff feeder fund. He looks like a personal physician to a pop star. He looks like a medical examiner on 'Kojak.'" --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, here's an example of why we're all screwed. You know the stimulus checks that the government's sending out? Thousands of these stimulus checks have been sent to prison inmates. Well, I'm pretty sure they'll give 'em back. I mean, if you can't trust a con who -- I mean, seriously." --David Letterman
"It's all part of Obama's new 'Cash for Convicts' program." --David Letterman
"The good news is the checks arrived today, just in time for the big dance on Saturday." --David Letterman
"Hey, wait a minute, you know on Sunday, it'll be 16 years that Paul and I and everybody else have been here at CBS on the 'Late Show.' Sixteen years, ladies and gentlemen. I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney." --David Letterman
"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it, enhanced interrogation technique. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman
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