David Letterman Late Night Political Jokes 9:9:09

"Here's kind of an interesting deal. This is the sort of thing that happens only in the United States and I guess we're happy about that. You go onto the eBay, and you can bid on having dinner. You fly to Alaska and have dinner with the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. And the bidding starts at $25,000. I know a lot of people think that's a pretty steep price to pay but you get an appetizer, you get entrée, and ammo. So, not that bad." --David Letterman

"And for an extra $1,000, she'll treat you like John McCain and cut up your meat." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin, very serious now she's out of office up there in Alaska. She wrote a critique of President Obama's health care plan and then she went back to seating customers at the Olive Garden." --David Letterman

"And how about Dick Cheney? Remember when Dick Cheney was Vice President for eight years and you never heard anything out of Dick Cheney? Here's what we knew about Dick Cheney. Always at an undisclosed location and the other thing is he shot his buddy in the face; those are the only two things we knew about Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Now, we can't keep him quiet. He's talking about maybe running for president in 2012. And he says he's willing to return to the White House, he'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor." --David Letterman

"Cheney's got a great campaign slogan. It says, 'Are you better off now than you were four heart attacks ago?'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, you know, this was a big stink about this. President Obama spoke to the kids, the school kids, and people were upset. They said, 'Hey, whoa, no!' They were upset that he was going to somehow -- that it would be some sort of political thing, he was trying to brainwash the kids. Here's what he said. He said to the kids, 'Hey, kids' -- that's how he opened -- 'work hard, get good grades, be constructive members of society.' Well, that Commie. Come on, what's he trying to pull? What's going on here?" --David Letterman

"Then, earlier tonight, President Obama spoke to Congress to explain his healthcare plan and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is very happy because apparently her Botox is covered, so that's good." --David Letterman

"And also under the healthcare plan, pop stars will still be able to choose their own creepy personal physicians. So that'll be good." --David Letterman


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