"It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. Have you noticed this? He's out there. He's upset. He's attacking people. He's shooting his mouth off. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. He says 'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then he went back to his private island to hunt human prey." --David Letterman
"But Cheney says he won't cooperate with the prisoner abuse program probe. The only way we cooperate is if he tortures himself into talking. And he said, 'I'm not going to do that.'" --David Letterman
"Cheney accused Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman
"Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system." --David Letterman
"There was a minor earthquake in South Carolina. As a matter of fact, Governor Sanford, because of the minor earthquake, was actually knocked on to his wife." --David Letterman
"And you know, now they're talking that Governor Sanford may be impeached for having an affair. And today, he was made an honorary Democrat, so congratulations." --David Letterman
"Do you remember when George W. Bush was the President? Eight years of big time fun. And he had the daughters, the Bush twins. And well, listen to this. One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen this. Jenna Bush -- talk about a great gig -- is going to be on the 'Today' show. And if there is anything this country needs, it's more of that family. They can't get enough." --David Letterman
"And I just hope she has her father's facility with words. That would be nice." --David Letterman
"They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama and his family took a vacation on Martha's vineyard and they're back. And the President now has asked all of the major networks for some air time tomorrow night to show his vacation photos." --David Letterman
"But now here's the deal. When are you a president, you can't do anything. People always looking for you to make some kind of trouble for you. Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He's not wearing a helmet. And people are all over him now. And I, well, I hope this guy has got some pretty good health insurance." --David Letterman
"I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards." --David Letterman
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