"Democratic Senator Max Baucus introduced his health care plan this week, to make it mandatory to get health insurance and ... you would fine people if you didn't get it. And if you didn't pay the fine, you'd go to jail. But the good news is, once you're in jail, free health care!" --Jay Leno
"Well, according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, he says the recession is over. You know, where is that 'You lie!' guy when you need him?" --Jay Leno
"You know, they used to say a recession was when your neighbor lost his job, and a depression was when you lost your job. You probably heard this, right? See, now, a recession is when Wall Street guys get bailed out, and a depression is what you get thinking about it." --Jay Leno
"Senator Max Baucus has unveiled his health-care reform bill. It will require that every single American obtain health insurance. Well, let's hope it works out as well as that California law that says that everybody has to have car insurance. O.K., what happened to that one?" --Jay Leno
"Oh, and of course, there's that big scandal with A-porn, I mean Acorn. They're an organization that gets government money to help poor people. Well, now, they're in a lot of trouble. It seems these two filmmakers went to Acorn's office posing as a pimp and a prostitute, saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. And Acorn workers gave them advice on how to get away with prostitution and how to avoid paying taxes. See, here's my question. If they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, go to Congress. These are the professionals. These are the people that know." --Jay Leno
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