"Well, congratulations to President Obama and first lady Michelle. They celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this week. Well, at first, they couldn't agree where they should celebrate. He wanted to go to Chicago, she voted for Rio." --Jay Leno
"I think Obama is starting to get a little desperate. After losing the Olympics last week, he scaled back a little bit. Like, today, he was in New York, making the case for Chicago-style pizza." --Jay Leno
"Well, in response to criticism that he's not fulfilling a campaign promise, the President's national security adviser said President Obama will overturn the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy at the right time. When asked what the right time would be, he said, 'Don't ask, I'm not telling.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, the Post Office told Congress this week they are sorry, but they can no longer continue to deliver Saturday's mail on Saturday. Hey, I'd be happy to get Wednesday's mail on Saturday." --Jay Leno
"Well, listen to this. You can't call the swine flu swine flu anymore. It's now the H1N1 virus. You know why this is? This is true. The pork lobby in Washington lobbied hard to get the name changed because they didn't want people to think you could get sick by eating pork. I mean, bacon will still kill you; you just won't get a runny nose." --Jay Leno
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