"Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese." –Jay Leno
"All of Mel Gibson's troubles could have been avoided if he'd just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through." –Jay Leno
"The countdown is now under way for what a lot of people are calling, the wedding of the year — on July 31 Chelsea Clinton is getting married. Bill and Hillary are thrilled; they say they don't care who the groom is as long as it's not Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno
"According to a study by the Brookings institution, Washington D.C. has the highest concentration of smart people in the United States. Lets see; we have a mess in the Gulf, we have a dysfunctional Homeland Security, and we are $13 trillion in debt. Imagine how bad it would be if these people weren't geniuses." –Jay Leno
"AT&T announced today that they are working on a new app for the iPhone. This one will allow you to make calls." –Jay Leno
"This week in 1944, a bomb intended for Adolf Hitler exploded but failed to kill him. It was a defective device called the Apple iBomb. It would have worked but Hitler was holding it wrong." –Jay Leno
"Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face." –Jay Leno
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