"President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions." –Jay Leno
"They now say that our national debt will have to be paid off by our children. So thank God for Kate Gosselin and the Octomom." –Jay Leno
"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jay Leno
"Jerry Brown is Governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?" –Jay Leno
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