"Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'" –David Letterman
"It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French." –David Letterman
"It looks like we'll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming." –David Letterman
"New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache." –David Letterman
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