"If the debt limit isn't lifted by midnight next Tuesday, President Obama is going to switch to plan b: a nationwide 'going out of business' sale. Everything is 50% off! All government buildings! All parks! Everything must go!" –Jay Leno
"Someone said President Obama was wrong for telling the American people to call their representatives about the debt ceiling. If there's one thing that congressmen hate, it's being told what to do by the people that put them there." –Jay Leno
"As they say in Washington, 'If it ain't broke, it will be by Tuesday.'" –Jay Leno
"Earlier today the House passed Boehner's version of the bill. He got tough with his own party. He said, 'Get your ass in line.' That's what he said. Doesn't that sound like something Kim Kardashian's chiropractor would say?" –Jay Leno
"New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels "fabulous." When Michele Bachman's husband heard that, he said, "We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that." –Jay Leno
"According to reports, Apple now has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Which sounds impressive until you realize that Radio Shack has more cash on hand... Actually, the big difference between Apple and the government is that their stuff is made in China, while we're owned by China. Two different things." –Jay Leno
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